Low Wage Worth
by Novelist Pup
Summary: The irritable worker who hates his job, the annoying customer, and the bastard of a manager. Who ever said life wasn't worth it? [AU, SasuNaruSai]
1. Nerve One: The Annoying

**Low-Wage Worth**

This is something I've been willing to try, and I hope you like it.

This is also yaoi, of the SasuNaruSai kind.

**Disclaimer: Not mine, sorry**.

_Nerve One – The Annoying_

* * *

Naruto hated many things.

He hated his parents for dying early and leaving him.

He hated his brother, Kyuubi, for being a complete asshole.

He hated his school for consisting of nothing but self-centered bastards.

But most of all, he hated his job.

Naruto worked at the incredibly popular fast-food restaurant called "Konoha-Fried Chicken", also known as "KFC". And the name itself attracted the most _annoying_ costumers. Naruto knew, because he was facing one right now.

"So, is there anything that _isn't_ chicken?" The teenager asked, tapping his finger to his chin to some unheard beat. Naruto nodded his blond head and point at the menu board.

"The sides aren't." He said. The teenager frowned before the single most annoying smirk Naruto had ever lived to see placed itself upon the teenager's lips.

"But are there any meats that aren't chicken?" He asked again. Naruto felt his eyebrow twitch.

"No, but may we suggest McSand's? They have a large selection of other meats." Naruto attempted to persuade, not really caring about what his best friend Gaara would do when facing this annoying bastard.

"Oh, but McSand's is across the street…" The teenager whined. Naruto clenched his teeth and gripped the counter.

"Okay, but across the street isn't that far, is it? We specialize in chicken, I'm sorry." He said. The teenager smirked and leaned onto the counter.

"If you were _really_ sorry, you'd get me another type of meat…" He purred. Naruto slammed his fist on the white counter and grabbed the collar of the teenager.

"If I was _really_ sorry, I'd stick some other meat _right up your ass_!" Naruto screeched, and then realized how that came out, as did the entire restaurant. The teenager looked taken aback before grinning in joy.

"I have been waiting for someone to say that for a while now!" He exclaimed. Naruto jumped back and reached under the counter to get an apron. Slamming it onto his shoulders, Naruto stalked to the kitchens.

"Get someone else to cashier, I'm outta here!!" Naruto growled. The teenager sighed and looked uninterestedly at his nails and ran his other hand through his medium-length black hair.

"I bet you don't even _have_ enough meat to stick up my ass!" He yelled back. A thundering sound was heard as Naruto stormed back up to the annoying customer.

"Was that a _penis_ joke?!" He asked tightly. The teenager cocked an eyebrow at him and Naruto gripped his hair in frustration. The teenager smirked and leaned closer to the angry blond.

"Look, I'll leave if you can get me a pencil and a sheet of paper. Fair?" He offered. Naruto found the chance to be too good to be true, so he searched the area for a pen and paper. Finding them, he thrust them out at the smug teen. Taking the pen and paper, he scribbled quickly on them and gave it back to Naruto.

"See you tomorrow!" He said as he walked out, laughing. Naruto looked horrified as he read the paper.

_Hey, not having a penis shouldn't be that embarrassing, but I'm willing to teach you on how to use that nub of yours! _

_Sai _

_555-123-6543 _

_Call me_

_

* * *

END NERVE ONE_


	2. Nerve Two: The Annoyed

**Low-Wage Worth**

Well, it seems people like this so far.

I guess another chapter seems fair.

**Disclaimer: Not at all.**

_Nerve Two – The Annoyed_

* * *

Kyuubi considered himself to be a wonderful brother.

He cooked, he cleaned, and he made sure most of the daily needs were covered. But one college-student can only handle so many things.

So, he calmly let his younger brother know that some more needs had to be met.

"Naruto, get your ass out there and get a job."

Naruto wasn't a happy camper, and sadly enough, Kyuubi didn't care. He had a fairly okay job as a part-time construction worker (because, for some reason, Kyuubi got pleasure from destroying things), and laughed aloud when he saw his brother walk in, donning the ubiquitous green and yellow uniform that was famous for KFC workers.

Needless to say, he was cursed out by an angry blond low-wage working brother.

Now, he held in his chuckles every day when his brother stormed inside, scowling and throwing a bucket of chicken at his older brother.

They may have argued a lot, but they still loved each other.

But today, he cocked an eyebrow at his younger sibling, who had the single most horrified look Kyuubi had ever seen on anybody's face. Deciding that maybe he needed some brotherly advice, Kyuubi got his attention as nicely as possible for him.

"Brat, what the hell crawled up your ass and bit it?"

"Shut the hell up, I don't need your crap today, 'Yuubi." _That_ got Kyuubi's attention. Naruto never called him "'Yuubi" unless he was feeling really messed up or down. Walking behind his slightly shorter brother, Kyuubi ruffled his hair. And then he shivered, his bare-chest (he never was one to get properly dressed in the privacy of his own home, and passed that theorem onto his brother) feeling the cold from Naruto's room.

"C'mon brat, tell me what's wrong." He persuaded. Naruto sighed and sat on his bed, taking off the bright-yellow sun hat that held the 'KFC' logo.

"I hate my job." He said. Kyuubi rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.

"Tell me something I _don't_ know."

"And a guy kept cracking penis jokes at me, making me feel kinda, y'know, uncomfortable." Naruto explained. Kyuubi blinked and laughed loudly.

"Some guy kept making jokes about your dick? How gay can he get?!" Kyuubi exclaimed, patting Naruto on the back with a heavy hand.

"He wears a belly-shirt."

"_Belly-shirt_?!" And Kyuubi guffawed in laughter once more. Naruto found the ends of his lips twitching in amusement as he watched his older brother hold his stomach in laughter. Soon he was laughing himself.

"Alright brat, this guy gives you any trouble, just drop me a line at work, got it?" Kyuubi said once his laughter died down. Naruto nodded and Kyuubi ruffled his hair once more. Getting up and stretching, the redhead scratched idly at his naked chest.

"And where is my chicken? Don't tell me I have to cook today?" Kyuubi asked indignantly. Naruto rolled his eyes and stood up as well.

"I rushed out that hellhole so fast I forgot to get the chicken. If you don't wanna cook, how about you put on a shirt and go to the store?" Naruto retorted. Kyuubi stuck out his tongue childishly and moved out his brothers' room to go cook.

Naruto sat back down on his bed, and reached inside his pants pocket to get the dreaded piece of paper that wrecked havoc on his mind all evening.

"Why the hell would _anyone_ ask me to call them?" Naruto also had a low self-image about himself. Seeing as how he was always shunned and ignored ever since he was a child, Naruto decided that he was never going to land a date until he was dead. And that would be with a coffin, and knowing Kyuubi, it'd be a pretty damn unsexy coffin.

Naruto was average height, something girls didn't want because they _always_ want some freakishly tall dude so they can hang off their elbows. He had shaggy blond hair that spiked out in the ends, something else girls found to be unattractive. And he had whiskers-lines across his cheeks, which everyone thought was just stupid ("_Yo, fox-boy, why do ya have whiskers?" "It's a birth defect you asshole."_).

Staring at the numbers, Naruto contemplated calling if not just for the purpose of telling him off. And then he put the paper down, deciding that it probably wasn't even worth his time. He should be doing homework, not thinking about calling some creepy asshole.

As he pulled out his textbook, the words from the note kept prancing through his head.

'_Call me' _

'_Call me' _

'_Caaaaall meeeeeee' _

'_C to the A to the double L to the me' _

'_Call me, call me, call me, call me, call me, call me, call me, call-' _

"ARGH, FUCK DAMN IT, I'LL DO IT, JUST STOP IT!"

Grabbing the phone on his dresser, Naruto slammed his fingers on the numbers, dialing with a passion he'd never had before when calling someone.

"_Hello-" _

"Yo, bastard, I got a bone to pick with you!"

"-_you've reached a number that is no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again."_

_

* * *

END NERVE TWO_


	3. Nerve Three: The Aggravation

**Low-Wage Worth**

I'm still not sure how anyone could find this funny, but you like what you like.

And I like writing this, so another chapter for you all.

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

_Nerve Three – The Aggravation_

* * *

Now, it was already mentioned towards how much Naruto hated his job. But, maybe its time for a little more introspective on how much he hates his job.

Naruto hated his job more than he hated life itself, and he might not have been emo, but he _despised_ life.

Yet, now Naruto had a little more reason to hate his job. And life.

"Right, so did you miss me?" Sai purred as he leaned on the counter towards the irate blond. Naruto twitched and tapped his finger on the cash register's side in a spontaneous manner.

"Sir, if you aren't going to order, please move out the way for another customer." Naruto stated from between clenched teeth. Sai frowned before the _infuriating_ smirk came back.

"Oh, but I _am_ going to order." He said. Naruto looked at him with eyes that spelled 'MURDER'.

"Then please do so. Like, now, if possible." He growled. Sai chuckled and Naruto screamed. The entire restaurant looked at him oddly, but he didn't care.

"All right bastard, listen up! I am _sick_ and _tired_ of your _crap_! You, you make me angrier than I've ever been **in my life**!" Naruto screeched. Sai smirked at him and Naruto brought back his fist in a punching motion.

"You'd punch me? Over some fake number? How immature!" Sai mocked, ducking when an enraged low-wage worker grabbed at him. Naruto snarled and glared heatedly at the dark-haired teenager. Sai then calmed down from his laughter and went back to his position on the leaning of the counter.

"So, if I gave you my real number, would you be a little less angry?" Sai offered. Naruto glared at him once more.

"If you laid down and _died_, I'd be a little less angry." He snapped. Sai blinked at him.

"Do you have anger issues?" He asked carefully. Naruto clenched his teeth in frustration. Why did everyone have to ask him that?

"Yes. I have so many anger management issue that I have to go to the **fucking YMCA **for **fucking** **counseling**." Naruto muttered sarcastically. Sai whistled lowly and straightened his midriff baring shirt.

"Man, do I always go for the crazy ones." He stated. Naruto twitched.

"I'm not _fucking_ crazy! Can you just order, and then leave me the hell alone?!" Naruto roared. Sai looked pensive as he stared at the menu.

"So, is there anything that _isn't_ chicken?" He asked. Naruto screamed.

"Yo, Blondie, shut the hell up and come to the back. The newbie'll take care of the cash register." The drawling voice of Shikamaru called out as the 'newbie' ran to the register.

"Hey there boss!" Konohamaru greeted excitedly. Naruto nodded at him, too exhausted to actually do anything that required more energy than necessary. Walking to the back, he was immediately greeted by the equally disgruntled teenagers that were his coworkers. Like, Kiba, the one guy who could get as equally violent with a customer as Naruto. Shikamaru, who just hated work. Shino, who would spit in your cup or put a bug in your food if you pissed him off. Neji, who actually wasn't a worker, but in fact the assistant manager and did not enjoy it. Hinata, who only worked at KFC because Neji was there too. Chouji, who was kept far, _far_ away from the kitchen and was secondary cashier.

"All right you losers, I've got some bad news and some good news. Choose your poison." Neji snapped. Kiba immediately raised his hand.

"Good news! Good news!" he chanted, but was cut short as Naruto punched him on the shoulder.

"Dumbass, you choose bad news first so that your mood isn't ruined by the good news!" He muttered. Neji rolled his transparent eyes in annoyance and crossed his arms.

"Well, the good news is you're getting a raise." Neji stated, and his voice was drowned out by the excited cheers (from everyone except Shino, who snapped his fingers once in happiness). Neji then held out a hand to get their attention once more.

"But, the bad news is you have a new manager." And everyone blinked (except for Shino, who wore glasses because he always worked the oil and frying). How necessarily was that bad news?

"You ruin my ego, you know that Neji? Making me the _bad_ news…" Naruto blinked at the seductive tenor that reminded him so vividly of someone. Someone he hates, he can't stand.

Someone who probably gave him a fake number, but he couldn't be sure.

"Sasuke, please introduce yourself to your new employees." Neji muttered in anger, and the voice chuckled. A dark-haired (was it black? Or was it dark-blue?) teenager slid through and stood up with a posture that screamed "I'm better than you, so deal with it" and he probably was. He sure as hell _looked_ better than any of the half-rate fast-food employees (except for Neji, but he had that feminine look). Pale-skin, not unlike Sai, Naruto had noted. Soft face, also not unlike Sai, Naruto had noticed again. And almond-shaped onyx eyes, _just like Sai_.

"_These_ are my employees? So far I see a flea-bitten moron," Sasuke taunted, smirking at the enraged Kiba. "A lazy bastard," Shikamaru flipped him off idly. "A creepy bug-lover," Shino frowned slightly. "A _girl_," Hinata stuttered in embarrassment. "A fat-ass," Chouji looked up from his bag of Lays. "Neji," Neji looked insulted. "And an idiot." Naruto shook his fist threateningly.

"Hey! Watch who you're callin' an idiot, bastard!" Naruto growled. Sasuke smirked with an almost pleasurable look on his _pretty_ face.

"Forgive me! I don't know what I was thinking with _idiot_ when _dobe_ is so much more fitting for you!" Sasuke cooed, reveling in the almost red-face (you can't really get red with a tan like Naruto's) that enamored the blonde's face.

"Yo Neji, is this all?" Naruto asked, grinding his teeth in anger. The long-haired teenager looked at all the other disgruntled teenagers, and shrugged, feeling that they probably had nothing left to lose.

"All right then, I'm heading back to the register!" Naruto said, and walked off. Sasuke watched him and smirked with an almost _evil_ touch.

"Neji, what is that idiot's name?" Sasuke asked, his voice tilted somehow.

"Uzumaki Naruto and I _know_ what you're thinking." Neji said, an amused smile on his face. Sasuke looked at him with the same _evil_ smirk.

"What ever could you be talking about, Neji?" He asked in horribly attempted innocence.

"He's not gay. I know this, by experience." Neji explained. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Like that's _ever_ stopped me before."

- - - - - - -

"So, what happened back there?" Sai asked, trying to start up a conversation as Naruto worked with another customer. Naruto, who didn't realize he was talking to Sai himself, scowled and punched in the number on the cash register a little too forcefully.

"We got a new manager. And he's an asshole. Reminds me of someone too." Naruto muttered angrily.

"Really? And who could this person be that he reminds you of?" Sai asked. Naruto twitched at the mere thought of him.

"This son-of-a-bitch bastard named Sai. I hate'em, I really do. But he doesn't get the damn hint!" Naruto growled, tearing the receipt off the mouth angrily, and practically threw the change at the frightened little girl who just wanted some chicken.

"Oh, you _hate_ me? I thought you just loved me so much, you showed it the only way you could…" Sai pouted. Naruto looked at Sai, and jumped back in surprise.

"You bastard! Why the hell are you still here?" Naruto yelled. Sai smirked, giving Naruto flashbacks of the other bastard that is now in his daily life.

"I wouldn't leave without giving you an apology gift…" Sai said, and placed the box from the bag at Naruto's place at the counter.

"Have fun and I'll see you tomorrow!" Sai gleefully called, and ran out the KFC as quickly as possible.

"What the hell is this?" Naruto muttered as he tore at the wrapper on the box. Finally getting the paper off the box, he got a good look at the gift.

**_Sound™ Brand Extra Large Vibrator _**

_Loosen up that stick your ass! For all your erotic needs! _

_

* * *

END NERVE THREE_


	4. Nerve Four: The Cynical

**Low-Wage Worth**

For some reason, I thought people would be pissed at me for Naruto's characterization.

You all like Angry-Management-Worthy-Profane Naruto? I do too, so another chapter for you!

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

_Nerve Four – The Cynical_

* * *

Neji knew from the moment he saw that beautiful blond hair and those bright blue eyes. He _knew._

What did he know?

Neji knew that he'd be getting proposition after proposition from many guys. It was a bit of a second-sense to Neji. Naruto had the ruggedly angry look most people went for these days, because Neji went for that kind of look.

And Neji was _so_ popular, a lot of things he started, other people started too.

But what Neji did not expect was the flat-out **rejection** that he received from the blond. If the transparent-eyed teenager saw something he liked, he went after it. And he usually got it, but not this time. This time, all he received was a punch in the face and a demand for a raise.

Neji granted that raise, by the way.

So, what he didn't get is why Sasuke was so sure that he'd get the prize, when Naruto reacted negatively just _looking_ at him.

Also, Naruto was as straight as a board. Sasuke was a straight as a rainbow, with half the colors.

Neji smirked as he watched Sasuke check his watch for the time Naruto was supposed to come in.

He didn't have a chance.

- - - - - - - - -

Naruto was considering skipping work completely, but then decided that the money should be worth standing two bastards.

Why two, instead of one?

Sasuke had been harassing Naruto every time the blond worked in the kitchen. Usually he made intelligence jibes, but sometimes he'd say some perverted crap that made Naruto tear off his apron and storm to the cash register, where he regretted it for bastard number two.

Sai had been coming to KFC everyday now, asking obscene questions and making stupid orders. Naruto was actually considering going to the YMCA with Gaara the next time he went. And what did Kyuubi do when he called, asking if he could bash the bastard's face in?

The asshole laughed.

He _laughed_!

Now Naruto begrudgingly entered his own personal hell, where Sai was already waiting for him, the irritatingly annoying smirk on his face.

"Fox! How are you this fine day?" Sai asked, striking one nerve within Naruto. The blond took his place behind the counter and glared at Sai.

"Get the hell away from me."

"No can do." Sai replied. Naruto twitched.

"Why the hell not?" Naruto demanded. Sai shrugged, the malicious smile on his lips.

"I'm a _cust-om-er_, a paying one too. And me leaving means, oh dear, _no profit_! How can you do that to your precious workspace? Do you have any idea towards how much chicken I order for the sake of you getting a paycheck?" Sai rambled dramatically. Naruto rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"None?"

"So you _are_ smart!"

"Get the fuck away from the damn counter!"

"Is there a problem here?"

Both teenagers turned to see _another_ teenager. Sasuke, to be precise. Naruto felt the oncoming headache that happened every time he was near the bastard.

"No bastard, there is nothing wrong." Naruto stated. Sasuke looked suspicious.

"You wouldn't be yelling like a moron if there was nothing wrong, dobe." Sasuke drawled. Naruto felt his muscles twitch, itching to grab onto Sasuke's neck and just _choke_ him. And then he looked to the side and saw Sai smirking at him, angering him all the more.

"Okay bastard, you wanna know what's wrong," Naruto snarled. "Every single _fucking_ day I have to come to _fucking_ work to two _fucking fucktards_ who have nothing better to do than make my _fucking_ life a _fucking_ hell!! How would you like to experience that, bastards?!"

"Is this creepy guy giving you issues, dobe?" Sasuke asked, not exactly listening to Naruto rant but watching Sai stare at Naruto. The blond growled in frustration.

"**NO**! He isn't bothering me! He's making my life a living hell, not unlike you! So, would you two do me a favor and _die_?!" Naruto screeched. Sasuke looked at Sai in suspicion.

"Why are you harassing my employee?" Sasuke asked tightly. Sai licked his lips and leant over the counter a little more.

"Why don't you come back to me once you've answered that yourself?" Sai sniped, making Sasuke smirk the same type of infuriatingly insulting smirk that Sai was known for using.

"Hm, you like to make my workers angry? I _like_ that. He wouldn't be half the fun he is if he were mellow…" Sasuke said, making Naruto's fists clench as he looked for an exit from this situation.

Without any carnage, whatsoever.

"True, but, I'm going to have to ask you to step away from my fox. It wouldn't bode well for the paying customer to have to call the manager…" Sai replied, arching his spine a little more.

'_Whut?'_ Naruto thought immediately.

"Oh, I am the manager, and this is my employee. I reserve the right to touch him as much as I desire. And why don't you leave, and not come back until you read the sign on our door." Sasuke stated. Sai looked at the well-known sign.

**No shirt, No shoes, No service **

**Perversity is not supported in this KFC **

**No, we do not sell any other kind of meat but chicken **

**We suggest you go to our brother-restaurant McSand's for those kinds of orders**

"Well, if that's the case, then I'll be going. But not before another gift for my fox!" Sai exclaimed, pulling another wrapped box out his black book bag. Giving it to Naruto, he walked out the KFC, his low hanging cargo pants catching the attention of Sasuke for a few moments before he looked at the box in Naruto's trembling hands. The blond carefully picked at the wrap before tearing it off and getting to the box.

**_Sound™ Brand Handcuffs_ **

_Blow my whistle, baby! For all your kinky needs! Key is now included! _

_

* * *

END NERVE_


	5. Nerve Five: The Angry

**Low-Wage Worth**

Waitaminute, don't tell me you all think that this is seriously a love triangle?

Well damn. I hate to say this, but you're gonna learn the truth the _hard_ way.

**Trivia:** I won't be doing this often, so you might want to take the chance. You will get a plot idea or anything you want for the Low-Wage Worth universe _if_ you answer correctly. If no one wins, then the story will carry on as planned, which it really isn't. The first person to answer will win.

The question? What is something that has _not_ shown up in this story once? Hint: Kyuubi isn't 21 yet.

**Disclaimer: Not at all.**

_Nerve Five – The Angry _

* * *

"So, why are you with me again?" Gaara asked as he and his best friend walked down a dark deserted street to the community YMCA. Naruto sighed in frustration, feeling his muscles twitch in the urge to hurt something.

"There are two assholes at my job that make me want to go to Anger Management. I'm freaked out at all the impulses I get these days, man!" Naruto explained. Gaara nodded and they walked in silence. Reaching the YMCA, they walked inside and Gaara led his blond friend to the bright yellow door that said 'Anger Management'. Naruto looked doubtfully at the redhead.

"Is this _really_ the place?" He asked warily. Gaara nodded.

"It actually does help. You spend so much time laughing at Lee, you forget about all of your anger." He explained. Naruto blinked and they entered the room, immediately being approached by something…_bright_.

"Why hello there, my YOUTHFUL companions! How are you doing on this YOUTHFUL day?!" The _thing_ exclaimed, making Naruto jump back in surprise.

"What the hell, get the fuck away from me!" Naruto snarled. Gaara just ignored the _thing_ and walked to what seems to be his normal seat.

Well, the red sign that said _'Gaara'_ was a large tip-off. Naruto glared at the _thing_ and stalked past him angrily. And then a hand clamped onto his shoulder.

"_Please stop touching me_." Naruto growled. The _thing_ just grinned at him and struck a pose that probably missed the train to the 70s.

"Now, now! You need to be fuller of YOUTH and HAPPINESS! Like me, and by the way, I'm your YOUTHFUL guidance counselor Rock Lee!" The _thing_ exclaimed. Naruto turned his head towards Lee very slowly, and grasped the hand on his shoulder as painfully as possible.

"Would you get your _fucking_ hand off my _fucking_ shoulder?" Naruto asked calmly. Lee blinked as the pain registered itself in his mind.

"Well, hahaha, your _mouth_ sure is YOUTHFUL." He said nervously, his hand beginning to feel as though it would break. Naruto bared his teeth threateningly, secretly amused at the pained look in Lee's eyes.

'_Damn, I've become a sadist!_' Naruto thought, and released the green teenager's hand. Lee sighed in relief as the blood began to come back to his hand. Naruto sat next to Gaara and looked around to see everyone else at least five seats away from them.

"Um, why is everyone so far away?" Naruto asked. Gaara shrugged.

"I don't know, nor do I care."

"All right then."

Lee bounced around joyously as he brought the whiteboard and several dry-erase markers out. Going to each person in the room, he handed them a marker.

"_Pink_?!" Naruto exclaimed, outraged. Gaara scowled at his marker of the same color.

"Pink is a YOUTHFUL and HAPPY color! It'll make you feel so much better!" Lee explained. Naruto wasn't sure, but just being handed such a girlish color made his blood boil.

"All right, today we're going to try the ARTISTIC approach to your anger! You use your YOUTHFUL marker to YOUTHFULLY draw what makes you so distressed! We'll start with Gaara!" Lee said excitedly. Gaara stood up slowly and walked to the whiteboard. He popped off the top to the marker and began to elegantly draw on the whiteboard. After ten minutes, he was done.

"Wow Gaara! What ever does this YOUTHFUL picture represent?!" Lee asked in awe at the expressive picture of a creature. Gaara glared at the piece of art and gripped his marker tighter.

"It's my cousin, Shuukaku." Gaara snarled, his pupils dilating and the area where his eyebrows would've been twitching.

"Well, what does your cousin do to you to make you so YOUTHFULLY angry?" Lee inquired. The marker snapped in Gaara's hand, the ink pouring out all over his palm.

"_HE RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!"_ Gaara screamed, reaching out as though to grasp Lee's neck. In an impressive show of gymnastics, the green-clad teenager jumped out the way as he did a back flip.

"OH HO HO! Well, he sure does release the YOUTHFUL energy inside of you!" Lee exclaimed as Gaara bared his teeth in anger. Naruto chose this time to burst out in laughter.

"Holy fuck Gaara! You'd look so threatening if you didn't have pink all over your hands!" Naruto roared in laughter once more. Gaara looked down at his palms dripping with the feminine ink and frowned in distaste. Lee coughed and then pointed happily at Naruto.

"Okay, our newest addition to the team, come forth and draw your picture!" He exclaimed. Naruto stood up and went to the board. Erasing Gaara's picture, he quickly went to work. He completed it in five minutes.

"If you don't mind, but what do those YOUTHFUL stick figures represent?" Lee questioned. Naruto was never one for art.

"Those are the two bastards who insist on making my life a living hell. I swear, I'd quit my job if Shikamaru didn't have all the answers to my math homework and the money! The one with the floppy hair is Sai, bastard number one. I'd kill him if it weren't a federal offense. The bitch with the spiky hair is Sasuke, who I'd dunk his _pretty_ head inside the fryers if he didn't have the power to fire me. But y'know what? I don't fuckin' care anymore! I've been having these impulses to just _hurt_ something these days! I thought coming here would actually help me, but you touch my fucking shoulder and give me damn pink marker, spurting your shit about 'Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows' and now I just wanna kill **you**!" Naruto roared, and lunged at the teenager. Lee, who was used to the attacks from Gaara, barely dodged the angry blond.

"Well, hahaha, I'd say you have some YOUTHFUL issues!"

- - - - - - - - - - -

After the fiasco at the YMCA, Naruto and Gaara found themselves seething and stalking towards Naruto's house, so they can calm down after they played some good old-fashioned GTA3.

Little did they know, all of their hopes of getting a break from all of this anger would be attacked, prostituted, arrested for indecent publicity, spend it's time wallowing in a prison with a horrendously large man named "Bubba", drop the soap with this "Bubba", and then killed with a plastic spork during cafeteria duty.

Naruto and Gaara approached the door, and the blond opened it.

"**Holy fuck**!" Naruto screamed, and Gaara blushed as red as his hair. Kyuubi scrambled quickly off the deviously handsome man (that looked creepily like Sasuke) he was on top of and fixed his tank top idly.

"Um, shit, damn, fuck. Brat, this is **exactly** what it looks like, in your _mind_!" Kyuubi made spirit fingers to emphasize his point. Naruto twitched.

"So, I'm imagining you about to fuck a guy who looks freakishly enough like my boss?" He asked slowly. Kyuubi nodded.

"Yep, and Shuukaku is also in the kitchen getting snacks, in your _mind_! And Naruto, meet my boss, Itachi, who is also in your _mind_." Kyuubi said, pointing at the long haired brunette sitting on the couch next to him. Naruto had flashbacks as Itachi smirked sensuously. Gaara had wandered towards the kitchen at this point.

"Hello there Naruto, I've heard so much about you, from more sources than you'd think." Itachi said in an increasingly sexy voice that ebbed away at Naruto's anger at his bastards, but increased his anger at Kyuubi for pre-sexing up this creepy person who Naruto had dubbed 'Bastard number 3'.

"Oh shit—Gaara!" Shuukaku's gruff voice yelled, and then the sound of a body meeting various flat surfaces occurred. No one really cared, since it was a bit normal.

"So, brat, how much does that new game that you were ogling over cost?" Kyuubi attempted to bribe. Naruto smirked at him.

"Dear big bro', no amount of bribing will ever will me to let go of this situation." Naruto told the redhead. Kyuubi snapped his fingers in defeat. Itachi snapped his red eyes to Naruto, smiling so sexily it made Naruto want to puke.

"What about if I got Sasuke to lay off you for a while?"

_

* * *

END NERVE_


	6. Nerve Six: The Sarcastic

**Low-Wage Worth**

(drum roll bitches)

And the winner is…

Well, everyone's a winner in their own special way, but the trivia winner is…

You'll have to find out at the end of the chapter. Lawlz.

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own Naruto, and neither should you!**

_Nerve Six – The Sarcastic_

* * *

Naruto was faced with a very delicate situation at the very moment.

He could either get Sasuke off his back or lose blackmailing material for his brother.

A _very_ important choice.

"Nah, I refuse."

And then, he got the vague feeling that he just threw away a chance at true happiness.

"Interesting. Kyuubi, darling? Wait here as I make a very important call." Itachi commanded as he got off the couch and walked to Naruto's room. And, much to Naruto's chagrin, Shuukaku's thrown body narrowly missed hitting the black-haired bastard's on his way to the blonde's room. Naruto stalked towards the sandy-haired college student and kicked his body in an act of maliciousness.

"Damn it Gaara! Check your aim next time!" Naruto shouted into the kitchen at the almost smiling Gaara.

"Right-o!" Gaara said and began to rummage the refrigerator. Naruto rolled his eyes and scoffed at the OOC. He wandered down the hall towards his room and leaned against the door slightly so he could almost hear Itachi's conversation.

"—and he _rejected_ my offer! … I _know,_ I'm almost _outraged_. … Yes, he is sexy, in a dumb, temperamental blond kind of way. No, I did _not_ vaguely insult him; I did it outright, and hold on… I think he's spying on me."

Naruto felt a bit more homicidal at that very moment.

-----(NEXT DAY, WHEN NARUTO WENT TO WORK AN ANGRY PERSON)-----

"My _fox_!" Sai greeted excitedly. Naruto glared at him.

"Fuck off."

"Bad day?"

"It is now."

"Goody!"

And then Naruto had to prevent himself from lunging at the annoyingly smug teenager. Stomping to the back, he put on an apron and glared at Shikamaru, who honestly didn't care.

"Why is your life so good?" Naruto snapped at the lazy employee. Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow in question and yawned.

"You think I have it easy?" He asked in a tone of voice that screamed 'Don't care!'

"Yeah, _you_ don't have the asshole manager hassling you and a annoying customer doing what he does best (which is, by the way, annoying you) everyday you come in! You also don't have a bastard of a brother who just so _happens_ to be idly sexing up the manager's clone and the manager's clone isn't calling people in your room while insulting you!" Naruto complained angrily. Shikamaru blinked and stretched before setting on the fryer for the chicken.

"Little did you know, Naruto, but I possess an incurable disease that has wrecked financial havoc on my family since I was born. My parents hate me, and have physically and mentally abused me ever since I was five, when the doctor had told them that I was going to die before I turn thirty. They were furious, mainly because they had spent thousands of dollars on my doctoring and hospitalization. I don't move a lot not because I'm lazy, but rather because my bones have been broken so many times it hurts to move them." Shikamaru said, making some random beat as he tapped his fingers on the microwave top. Naruto looked embarrassed.

"Oh, sorry man. I didn't know. Are you serious though?" Naruto asked, rubbing the back of his head in an apologetic manner.

"Actually, no. I'm just a lazy sumbitch."

"Damn I hate you."

And the hours ticked by, Shikamaru suddenly having the aspiration to be a DJ with all the beats he kept making, and Naruto helping him by idly beatboxing at the same time.

"I'd let this be my theme song any day, as long as you make it." Sasuke's sultry voice said sweetly and caused them both to come to an abrupt halt, and making Shikamaru bang his finger on the microwave top.

"Damn it." Shikamaru muttered as he rubbed his abused index. Sasuke smirked at him and turned back to Naruto.

"How are you today, my faithful employee?" Sasuke cooed. Naruto glared.

"Keep that up, and I won't be faithful for long." The blond snapped. Shikamaru raised his fist in the air and yawned.

"Preach."

"Thanks Shika'."

"I take that back."

"Bastard."

"Don't give me nicknames when your boyfriend is here."

And Sasuke grinned.

And Naruto glared.

And Shikamaru…didn't care.

"I'm going to kill you." Naruto growled. Shikamaru shrugged.

"Wouldn't be the first meaningless threat thrown my way." And Naruto made some guttural sound while making choking motions with his hands. Then he tore off the apron and stomped to the cashier.

"Foxy!" Suddenly, nowhere felt safe to the poor blond.

"Have you seriously been here for three hours? _Without_ ordering any chicken?!" Naruto almost screeched. Sai nodded with the creepy smile still on his face.

"Would you like to see what I've done this entire time?" Sai asked. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Would you like to see how much I specifically _don't care_?" Naruto asked, a fake smile stretching across his face. Sai grinned and pulled out a sketchbook.

"This is what I've been doing!" Sai stated, showing Naruto the pencil drawing. The blond was actually amazed as he studied the detail of the art; the bastard even got the countertop right!

"Hot damn, this is pretty good." Naruto said and flipped through the book, which would be his stupidest mistake number 394, right after dogpiling Kiba.

"Is this what I _think_ it is?" Naruto asked, his right eye twitching at a hazardous rate. Sai smirked.

"If it's you fucking me to the mattress, then _yes_. It is exactly what you think it is." Sai said. Naruto twitched one final time and then lunged.

And forgot he was behind the counter.

"I hate you _so_ much." Naruto muttered darkly. Sai chuckled and leaned onto the counter, his belly-top and his low riding cargo pants not making a good combination for Naruto, since he was angled _right next to him_.

_'Ewww! Sai-skin! Unbelievably _creamy_ and_ soft_ Sai-skin! …Maybe it's Maybelline._' Naruto thought idly as he just hung over the counter in a bored manner.

"You know, I'd _fire_ you if you weren't so hot and if I didn't have such a nice view of your ass."

_

* * *

END NERVE_

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for! The winner is…

CherryShadowz! With Shy-Princess and Tiger's Eye of Gold at a close second and third place!

You all win a free plot device! And the first place winner gets a one-shot, written by yours truly (I know, suckiest prize ever, but deal with it) as well!

Yay for you all, and I'll see you next chapter.


	7. Nerve Seven: The Sardonic

**Lost and Found**

Yay, another chapter. Woot.

I especially like this one, for certain reasons.

**Disclaimer: Not at all.**

_Nerve Seven – The Sardonic _

* * *

Naruto wasn't the type to beat around the bush.

Nor was he the type to jump into the bush.

Normally, he preferred the burn the mother fucker to the ground, laughing as he did so.

So, what did Naruto do the moment he realized his ass was in the air and his manager was staring right at it?

"Mother _fucker_!" Naruto growled and slowly got off the counter and turned towards his bastardly boss. Sasuke winked and Naruto almost lost it, until Sai coughed into his fist.

"Excuse me, Mr. Manager, but I'm going to have to kick your flaming ass if you do continue to blatantly _flirt_ with my dear foxy." Sai announced. Sasuke rolled his eyes and smirked.

"I'd like to see you try, bitch." He taunts. Sai smiles and cocks an eyebrow.

"Who exactly are you calling a bitch, bitch?"

"You, bitch."

"You're the bigger bitch."

"You're the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched."

Naruto couldn't take it anymore.

"Why don't you _both_ just shut the fuck up before I'm suddenly obliged to perform some surgery on both of your too-pretty faces!?" Naruto shrieked, and stomped out the door. Sasuke and Sai looked at the empty doorway for a moment, glanced coldly at the nosy customers, and vaguely registered Shikamaru's continued beatboxing in the background.

"You're still a bitch."

"You too bitch."

* * *

Naruto had angrily stomped all the way home, scaring everyone he passed, especially the poor homeless kids who just wanted a little compassion in life.

"Suh, would ye mind sparing a coin o' two to help a poo' hungry child?" The small boy asked, holding out a cup while bundling up a bit more, despite the ninety degree weather.

"Fuck off brat." And that was that. He walked away so fast he couldn't even hear the kid's last words for him.

"Arsehole."

The blond stalked into his building, feeling a bit better at knowing that his brother and his brother's asshole of a lover were not there having sex. He walked into his room, took off his shoes and plopped into bed for a nap.

"I just need to sleep off all of this frustration, that's all." Naruto mumbled as he closed his eyes.

* * *

When he opened them again, he wasn't staring at his gray ceiling, but rather at the blue ocean and a lot of sand.

"What the hell—" Naruto muttered as he processed his surroundings once more. He also noticed that he was wearing a horrendously tacky pair of bright orange swim trunks.

"What color blind moron picked these out?"

"You, sweetie."

Naruto looked behind him to see the _last thing_ he ever wanted in his life.

A half naked Sai.

"Why are you here, you asshole?" Naruto snapped, trying to get his toes out of the sand. He never liked beaches, too many health hazards. Sai smiled at him creepily.

"Because, I'm your conscience."

"Liar."

"True, true. I'm lying, so may I _lie_ next to you?" Sai winked. Naruto stuck out his tongue.

"How about…hell no?" He replied. Sai rolled his eyes and sat next to the blond anyway.

And Naruto freaked out at _how much skin_ was really there anyway. He didn't care about how sexy and absolutely delicious the skin was, just the fact that it was it was actually _there_. The first thing out his mouth was basically:

"What the fuck? You're so pale."

"Ah, I never noticed."

And he scooted away. For you see, Naruto had a natural tan, and the sun did absolutely nothing to his rose colored skin.

Why was Sai surviving in this blaring hot sunshine beach setting?

"Sai, why aren't you burnt to a delightful crisp yet?" Naruto asked warily. Sai blinked at him.

"I don't know; why is your hair in a Mohawk?"

"My hair isn't—" But Naruto felt the sides of his head to feel nothing, and then felt the top of his head to indeed discover that he had a Mohawk.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Naruto snarled. He blinked as he saw a black weasel with red eyes run by, and a large nine-tailed fox trailing behind it. The weasel then spouted wings and flew into the sky, and the fox jumped into the air and continued to stalk the airborne mammal. Suddenly he saw Shikamaru jump over the sun, in a tutu.

And Sasuke came up, Bay Watch style, shirtless.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no—" Naruto chanted but was cut off by a loud sound.

"OH YEEEEAH!" And the Kool-Aid Man began to provocatively dance with Gaara, with the redhead swinging a t-shirt around. Sasuke finally snapped out of slow-mo mode and readjusted his Speedo.

"So, my sexy employee, have you gotten enough of my sexy body or are you ready to wake up?" The brunette purred. Naruto looked at him strangely.

"Wake up?"

"Yes. Wake up."

"Where do I buy the ticket?"

* * *

Naruto's eyes snapped open as he gasped several breaths repeatedly.

"Oh thank God, it was just a highly realistic nightmare."

"What nightmare?" A naked Sasuke asked huskily as he twirled a finger around Naruto's nipple.

Nipple?

Naruto looked down and realized he wasn't in a shirt, or pants, or even _underwear_.

"I think he's talking about your face, Mr. Manager." A naked Sai teased from his side of the blond.

Naruto screamed in horror.

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes cautiously and pinched himself to make sure he was in the real world. Sighing in relief as he found success, Naruto turned to his side and was greeted with a stubble ridden chin.

"Was it good for you too?" Kyuubi purred and Naruto screamed again. And then he punched his older brother.

"Not you too, Kyuubi!" Naruto wailed before plopping onto the bed. The redhead rubbed his chin and got up slowly.

"God damn it brat, I was _talking_ about the dinner I made for you! I assumed you ate some already because when I came home from _work_ I found you asleep! And since I didn't feel like moving all the way to my room, I crashed on yours with you!" Kyuubi growled. Naruto felt suddenly stupid.

And Kyuubi pulled a weird face.

"And what did you mean by 'Not you too!'?" He asked slowly.

_This_ was going to be awkward.

_

* * *

END NERVE_

This must be the crackiest chapter of them all. The dream plot device was supplied by Tiger's Eye of Gold, so a round of applause for that piece of genius.


	8. Nine Tailed Nerve: Kyuubi's Day

**Low-Wage Worth**

All right, so I couldn't think of anything funny for the main plot. Sue me. I decided instead to just use Kyuubi (whom a lot of readers like for some odd reason) as a backup plan.

Ph33r t3h fox!

**Dedication**: NoNoWriter, the one-hundredth reviewer!

**Disclaimer: One day, I'm going to just **_**SNAP**_** from having to type how I DO NOT own this fandom!**

_Nine-Tailed Nerve – Kyuubi's Day_

* * *

Uzumaki Kyuubi, despite what was mostly believed of him, lived off a very tight schedule. Everyday he would do the same thing or close to it, and that was what set Kyuubi apart from all of his friends.

But today was a day to be remembered… why?

Because he's going to do the same exact thing as before, just it's being recorded now.

**6:30 AM – Wake up**

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEE-_

"Urg, momthaforker."

**7:01 AM – Brush teeth while singing obscene tune**

"I _love_ to (gurgle) hear you (hack) O-RA-LISE (hackcoughspit) when I'm in-between your thighs (gurgle)! YOU BLOW ME _A-WAAAAAAY!_ (coughhackspitchoke)"

**7:09 AM – Put on clothes**

"I'm in a naked kind of mood today… but I'll just wear pants and boots instead."

**7:15 – Braid hair**

"You know what; I _really_ should just cut all of it off and just live life slightly less sexy than before… or not."

**7:48 – Wake up Naruto**

"Baby brother…there is a high chance Itachi will molest you if you don't wake up RIGHT NOW!"

"AHHHHH DON'T TOUCH ME!"

**7:49 – Prepare to leave for work**

"—and remember Naruto, just because I cherish Itachi and Shuukaku and Goubi and Rokubi and all of my other friends more then you doesn't mean I hate you, it just means that you better bring home some chicken tonight before you lose all of my love, okay? See ya!"

**7:53 – Leave home for Shuukaku's house while listening to the radio and singing badly to the music**

"Hey, hey! You, you! I don't like your girlfriend! No way! No way! I think you need a new one! Hey, hey! You, you! I can be your girlfriend!"

**8:03 – Arrive at Shuukaku's house and honk car horn obnoxiously until said friend comes out**

_HONK! HONK! HONK! _

"Shut the hell up! I'm coming!"

**8:08 – Leave Shuukaku's place for the Youkai Apartments while listening to the radio and singing badly with Shuukaku**

"I'm gonna buy you a drank (oooOOO weeeOOO!) I'mma take ya home wit' me!"

**8:26 – Arrive at Youkai apartments and begin to clean out car for the incoming carpool as Shuukaku honks horn obnoxiously**

_HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!_

"Clean _up_! Clean _up_! Everybody do your share!"

**8:28 – Seven people come down and somehow manage to fit inside the small five-seated car**

Goubi felt uncomfortably squished as he sat on Hachibi's lap between Rokubi, Shichibi, Sanbi, and Nibi.

"Kyuubi, I think Hachibi's got a hard on!" He whined to the older teenager. The redhead scoffed as he kept his eyes on the road. Yonbi waved at him from his spot on Shuukaku's lap.

"Oh suck it up! We're almost at work!" He snapped. The hand on his hip tightened almost painfully. Goubi whimpered quietly as he looked around and saw the creepy eighteen-year-old smirk at him.

**8:43 – Get to work on time, almost**

"All right everybody; please get out the car so I can check my baby's tires!" Kyuubi commanded as he pulled into the parking lot. Everyone grumbled and got out the car, Goubi gets out walking away with a painful looking limp, and Hachibi follows him with a smile.

**8:51 – Begin the actual, you know, WORKING part**

_WHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR! _

_CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! _

_BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!_

"I want you in my room!"

"Dude, we could gangsta rap with these sounds!"

**9:29 – Gangsta rap with sounds (while still working of course)**

"Okay K-Fox, your turn!"

"Um, when I bust a rhyme, it tastes like lemon-lime… Mr. Clean gets the grime?"

"Bangin' yo."

**9:47 – Get reprimanded by Itachi for being a bunch of two-second attention span losers**

"_I've_ got a rhyme for you! How about… In two months this building must be made, and if it isn't, guess who won't get paid!"

"Oh man, he's good!"

**10:32 – Whistle at any good-looking thing that goes by like a good construction worker**

"Hey there, sexy thing! How about you, me, and handcuffs with no key?"

"Uh Kyuubi, that's a dog."

"It's a very pretty dog, thank you very much!"

**11:02 – Make random offer before lunch break**

"Okay, who wants to have sex with me?"

Everyone's hands went up.

"Who wants to have sex with me and is somewhat attractive?"

Most of the hands went down.

"Who wants to have sex with me and is Itachi?"

Only one hand stayed up.

"Okay Itachi, let's go."

**11:36 – Eat healthy lunch**

"K-Fox, that burger looks like its going to explode with grease, man!"

"I'm _trying_ to get my fat intake in!"

**12:03 – Go back to work**

"Check out how my muscles bulge sexily as I handle this jackhammer!"

"He isn't talking about his penis… is he?"

**12:58 – Ohmahgawd, the Kyuubi is stripping!**

"_C'mon now just work it, work it!_"

"Man, cough up some more cash! I need a new car!"

**1:47 – Count money earned**

"Hot damn, I've got about two hundred bucks this time!"

"Stuff like that happens when you strip in a public construction site."

**2:03** **– Work **_**AGAIN**_

_OO EE OO AH AH _

_TING TANG _

_WALLA WALLA BING BANG_

"Someone get me a gun! That stereo needs to be shot DOWN!"

**4:53 – Seriously, he works **_**this long**_**, and now he prepares to go home**

"Has anybody seen my shirt?"

"Kyuubi, you didn't _wear_ one today."

**4:57 – Nine people once again manage to pack themselves into a small five-seated car, going home this time**

"So, Itachi, meet you at my place?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Fabulous! Okay team, let's make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here!"

**5:29 – Go back to the Youkai Apartments**

"Kyuubi, please take me with you! Don't leave me there with HIM!" Goubi wailed as he clutched the muscular arm of the redhead. Kyuubi looked at him contemplatively and grinned.

"You are SO cute! Oh, Hachibi, take good care of this adorable puppy!" Kyuubi cooed, snickering at the end towards his genius pun and play on words.

"Will do, Kyuu'." Hachibi said as he gently pried Goubi off Kyuubi, smirking creepily the entire time.

"NOO_OOOOOO!_" Goubi shrieked.

**5:41 – Drop Shuukaku off at home**

"Can I have a cookie?"

"Nope. If I give you a cookie, then you'll want more and more, until you manage to take all that is precious to me."

"Oh fuck you man."

**5:59 – Get home before Naruto**

"Damn I'm tired. And I wouldn't be if Shuukaku only gave me that damn cookie!"

**6:02 – Crash on Naruto's bed**

"As long as I don't masturbate on it, he shouldn't care…"

**7:36 – Open door for Itachi**

_DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG_

"Is that how I sound _every_ morning?"

**7:37 – Set ground rules with Itachi**

"We are going to have sex, and it will NOT be rape. Got that?"

"Of _course_ I do."

**8:21 – Freak out Naruto, who comes home about this time**

"Yo Kyuu- OH MY GOD, THE _COUCH_!!!"

"You are _very_ high right now, _very_. You see nothing."

**9:39 – Go to sleep**

"**In ninety days and ninety nights from the human mind comes human frights from dawn to dust and dust to dawn what is right is also wrong.**"

"Kyuubi, darling, must you snore so disturbingly?"

**6:30 – Wake up**

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEE-_

"Gragh, gonna keel sumthin'."

_

* * *

_

Well, this was rather enjoyable to write. And I'm sorry for the wait, lyk srsly.


	9. Nerve Eight: The Eccentric

**Low-Wage Worth**

Man, I had to rewrite this chapter like eight times before I thought of something almost funny.

_Nerve Eight – The Eccentric_

* * *

Sai has had many jobs in his lifetime.

When I say many, I mean _many_.

Jobs that most grown men only _wish_ they could have, the seventeen-year-old Sai has worked at some point in his life.

And I bet you're wondering what the hell Sai's occupations have to do with the normal plot of this fanfic. Well, if you'd stop speculating my in-fucking-tentions then you'd find out.

Now, Sai first worked as an underage airplane pilot.

----

"_Good day, this is your pilot. I just would like the lady who looks between the ages of fifty and seventy-one in First Class to know that orange and pink do NOT go together and when I saw you pass me on your way into the plane, I was temporarily blinded. So, everyone just know that if I crash-land this plane, it's all her fault. Remember to put your seatbelts on!_"

----

It didn't end up too well.

Soon after that, he discovered a penchant for driving taxis. Except, he didn't have a Driver's License and he couldn't drive.

----

"_Where to, uh, Mac?" Sai asked as he read off his index card. The man in his car looked at him oddly. _

"_Well, can you take me to the Hokage memorial?" he asked. Sai chuckled. _

"_Of course not! Dude, how old do I _look_ to you? Drive yourself there, loser!" he said as he got out the car and slammed the door. Walking away, he smiled as the man panicked. _

----

And then Sai decided that his true passion lied in being a lifeguard.

----

_Sai was bored as he sat on his lifeguard post, poking at his Speedo in boredom. This was no Baywatch, so there was honestly nothing to do but whistle at every highly attractive thing that walked by. _

_And speaking of highly attractive things, there was one now! _

_Sai put the whistle to his lips and waited for the right moment for the buff man to walk by. Unbeknownst to him, at that very moment, a little kid was drowning. _

"_FWEEEEEEE!" Sai's whistle went. Everyone stopped in horror and Sai quirked his creepy smile at them. _

"_You there, I'm not so sure you should get in the pool, it might overheat since you're so hot," he said. The man smiled bashfully and the drowning kid pulled himself out the water, and kicked the buff man's legs weakly. _

----

So, as you may see, the jobs that he did get, he unfortunately couldn't keep.

As a result, Sai took up a habit of drawing. He didn't realize it at first, but art was _really_ his major forte. And so, he began to draw for a living. Being ultra-smart and feeling no need to go back to high school since he graduated already, he began to just be bored with his regular art, and decided that he required inspiration. So, he went on a journey to find the perfect inspiration, and just so happened to get hungry on the way.

So, he walked into a Konoha Fried Chicken, hoping for something delicious to eat.

And delicious he did find.

The sexy blond cashier with the whiskered cheeks and deepest blue eyes he ever saw.

And so, from that day on, he decided that he _would_ gain the heart of this poor sap, even if it took fake numbers, stalking, and all-around annoyingness.

* * *

"Hello there my dearest Fox, how are you today?" Sai asked happily. Naruto looked at him with dark bags under his eyes.

"Fuck you," he finally answered after a moment. Sai smiled and opened his sketchpad, feeling inspiration course through his very being.

"What're you drawing?" the blond cashier asked after a moment. Sai smiled.

"Gay sex."

Naruto scowled. "Seriously."

"I am serious."

"Why would you draw gay sex?" Naruto wondered aloud. Sai kept smiling.

"Because I get paid for that kind of thing." Blue eyes widened in amazement.

"You get paid for drawing gay sex?" he questioned. The choppy-haired brunette nodded.

"Of course I do, how else would I fund my life?" Sai retorted. Naruto shrugged.

"I dunno; get a job in a fast-food restaurant?"

"Like you? You're funnier than I thought Foxy."

Naruto made a face. "I have a name, y'know." Sai grinned.

"I know," he replied. Naruto rested his head on the register as if he were tired. Judging by the way he looked _period_, he hadn't slept in days probably.

"My name is Naruto."

Sai looked at him. "I know already, I told you that." The blond scoffed.

"Then _call_ me that. Stop calling me Foxy, Fox, Foxytopia, Foxaloxadingdong, and all those things," he muttered. Sai pouted.

"Even Foxy-Roxy? And Foxilicious?"

"Fuck, _especially_ not those!"

"All right then. I stop calling you those names if you stop calling me names, like asswipe, dumbshit, shithole, fuckwad, asshole, and such." Sai responded. Naruto frowned.

"I can't call you shit-bag or flapjack-fucker anymore?" he whined. Sai shook his head.

"Nope, if you want me to stop calling you things other than your name."

The blond gave up. "Ah well, we can't all win."

Sai grinned at him.

"No, we can't, but we can try." Naruto opened an eye and quirked a smile.

"I guess so. Hey, Sai, can I ask you a question?" he asked.

Sai rolled his eyes. "You already did, but shoot," he replied.

"Who buys your gay porn?"

The choppy-haired brunette smirked.

"Girls, of course."

_

* * *

_

That's right, all of the well-drawn yaoi porn doujinshi you might have on your computer was drawn by _SAI_.

Lol.

This chapter was meant to be fluffy and less crack-ish. So, the relationship _actually_ might almost have a chance. Incredible, I know.

Fuck, can whoever the last two people who won the plot devices give them to me, I kinda need some help with this story. A beta-reader or something like that.

Well, I guess I'll go work on my homework before school begins again. GodDAMN I'm lazy.


	10. Nerve Nine: The Evil

**Low-Wage Worth**

All right already! Hold yer hats or horses, or WHATEVER.

Geez, I _know_ the story seems to be leaning very closely to NaruSai, but gimme a break!

This story is **Sasu**Naru_Sai_, all right?

Blondie's in the middle. EQUAL OPPORTUNITY for the lulz. EVERYBODY is with EVERYBODY. EVERYONE except Neji GETS LAID. I can't see him having sex, sorry.

Now, since someone gave me some plot ideas, I give what it seems no one has been waiting for.

THE **SASUKE** CHAPTER. Yay.

**Warning:** This chapter contains copious amounts of EVIL!Sasuke and it's short.

_Nerve Nine – The Evil_

* * *

Sasuke was not evil.

He was a very nice and understanding person.

Once you got to know him, that is.

Until then, he was an evilly plotting bastard with _crazy_ hair.

Now, what made Sasuke seem evil in the first place? Well, I'll give you a hint, it isn't the hair.

It was the laugh.

Sasuke, in all of his seventeen years of life, had spent years perfecting the perfect evil laughter. And the scary part is that he actually succeeded. After all, he learned from his old teacher, and that was the evilest fucker anyone would ever meet.

His laughter wasn't like the stereotypical "MUWAHAHAHA" cackle, but more like a carefully timed "Kukukukuku" chuckle.

Oh yeah, he was pretty damn evil.

* * *

"Kukukukuku…" Sasuke chuckled as his current interest stalked through the doors. Naruto looked at him oddly and shrugged.

Sasuke could've sworn he heard "Creepy-ass bastard…" underneath his employee's breath.

Ignoring the sentiment Sasuke smirked evilly as Naruto changed into his work uniform. The blond looked back at him and scowled.

"What?" he snarled. Sasuke smiled deviously.

"Well, I wonder if you've seen the billboard notice for today?" the brunette asked lightly. The billboard was exactly what it sounded like, a board covered in bills. It was enforced when Neji was still manager, and it was his way of saying "Screw you guys, I'm taking half of your pay because I hate you and this hellhole needs repair."

So, basically, it was something no one wanted to get faced with. Since whoever's pay was getting docked was chosen at random.

"No, I haven't bastard. What about it?" Naruto demanded suspiciously. Sasuke smirked. The blond looked at him warily before stomping over to the billboard.

"What the hell is _this_?!" he yelled. Sasuke patted his back in amusement.

"After a long conversation with Neji and much consideration, we've decided to take the general thought of a paycheck out of your hands and use it to fix the plumbing," Sasuke explained with a gleefully evil smile. "But don't worry; we're only doing it for this week and the next."

Naruto was livid. "What the fuck do you _mean_?! I was planning on getting NFL 08' with that money!" Sasuke tutted him calmly.

"Then just wait until you get your paycheck in three weeks, you act like it'll be gone today!"

The poor blond was growling at him slowly. "_IT WILL._"

Sasuke shrugged. "Oh well."

Naruto let out a strangled scream that probably took a lot out of his vocal chords and stomped angrily to the cash register. Sasuke followed him idly, just to annoy the poor boy. He was just that evil.

"Why are you following me?!" Naruto snapped at his boss. The brunette smiled.

"Because I love you so much!" he said. Naruto twitched but then the infamous customer of annoying proportions sauntered in.

"Hey there Naruto, hey there Bitchy Boss!" Sai greeted with his usual fake smile. Sasuke waved at him with a smile, but inside his head, little chibis were screaming in urgency because Sai could be a hindrance to his fun.

"Why _hello_ Borderline Bowl-cut!" he replied. Sai narrowed his eyes and Sasuke kept smiling, twirling a black moustache in his head. Naruto looked at the two in suspicion, until Sai snapped to attention.

"Oh, Naruto, I got you something that you might like!" the choppy-haired teen said. Naruto cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Oh really? What is it?"

Sai grinned, a bit less fake than previously, but still fake all the same. "Check this out!" He handed a game cartridge to the blond and both Sasuke and Sai watched in amazement as his face twisted through fifteen different emotions.

Absolute adoration was one of those emotions, by the way.

"_Oh my fucking god_, this is NFL 08'!" Naruto whispered. Sasuke paused in his black moustache-twirling and looked at Sai in shock for a second before faking a smirk.

"How long did you have to stand on the corner to afford _that_?" he sniped. Sai smiled.

"Less that you did for your haircut."

"_Buuuuuurn_…" Naruto murmured with a smirk at Sasuke, still cuddling with the NFL game.

Now, in Sasuke's mind, _Sai_ was the one twirling the black moustache and laughing evilly.

And he wasn't going to stand for it.

_End Nerve_

* * *

…School starts today.

Pray for me.

I didn't do my homework.

God, please help me.


	11. Nerve Ten: The Conniving

**Low-Wage Worth**

Holy crap, people actually _like_ this story!

I got, like, five threats this time.

I totally wasn't going to update for five months because of that, but then my mom scared the hell outta me.

"Son, I didn't pay the phone bill."

"…You're kidding, right?"

She wasn't. So, uh, I'm updating it now, and that's all that matters, right?

_Nerve Ten – The Conniving_

* * *

Gaara wasn't a people person. 

In fact, if there was one thing he could ever want in life, it would be for everyone (especially Shuukaku) to just die.

Except Naruto, since he was his best friend or homie or esé or what_ever_ the hell they were calling it these days.

So, when he came to his BFF Naruto's house on a random impulse only to discover that he totally got the game they were both anticipating for months for no money whatsoever, he got a bit suspicious.

"Is this 'Sai' a rapist?" Gaara asked as he and his blond friend picked their plays.

"Hell no! He's totally innocent!" Naruto replied. Gaara snorted and began to slam on the triangle button.

"Well –**SAND COFFIN**-, you totally hated him and did nothing but complain and write emo poetry about how much you disliked him," Gaara stated, quirking a smile in glee as all of his football players piled on top of Naruto's one.

"How did you know –**KAGE BUNSHIN!-** about all the emo poetry?" Naruto asked warily, his team scattering in different directions, effectively stopping _The Sand Demons_ in their pursuit.

"Kyuubi thought it'd be funny to read the entire book out loud to all the construction workers at the site, and I came just in time –**SUNA SHIGURE**- to stop him before he got to 'ode to a belly-shirted bastard'." Gaara explained as his team shot off at super speed towards the touchdown, leaving Naruto's _Konoha Kitsunes_ in the dust.

"Wow, I have the largest urge to kill him now. But really, **-U-ZU-MA-KI NARUTO RENGEN-** Sai isn't that bad. He _did_ give me this game for free, ya know." Naruto said, tapping his X button as fast as possible, making of his players run and all the others following.

Gaara rolled his eyes. "You are _such_ an idiot. Honestly, what does every rape start with?"

Naruto frowned. "A dark alley?" Gaara sighed and put the game on pause.

"Okay, let me try again. What does every pedophile do to get children within their grasp?"

"Give them candy?"

"Correct. How much did the children pay in money for that candy?"

"None?"

"Right again. How much did you pay for that video game?"

"Nothing?"

"I had no idea you were this smart. Okay Naruto, now do you get where I'm going with this?"

Naruto opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it again.

"Yeah… No. I have no idea what the hell you mean," he replied, wanting Gaara to un-pause the game.

But Gaara had other ideas. He pressed the power button on the FunStation 2 and popped out the game. Naruto watched in horror as Gaara put it back in its case and got up with the game.

"What the _hell_ are you doing Gaara?!" Naruto snarled. Gaara gave him a look that made him shut up.

"I'm returning this game. Don't exactly want you to get _raped_ and all," Gaara deadpanned. Naruto looked at him, slack jawed.

"_THAT_ is what you were going on about?! Holy fuck man, I'd _never_ get raped! Ever!" he boasted. Gaara smirked.

"Then come with me, and if you don't fall for _one_ pedophilic or obviously rapist trap in da hood, then I'll not only give you back Ninja Football League 2008, but I'll even buy you that game based off that American show you love so much," Gaara said.

Naruto gasped. "Y-you mean you'd get me _Nate: Ultimate Not-A-Ninja 2_?!" Gaara nodded, making him squeal.

"All _right! _You are ON! I really wanna complete my collection!" Naruto exclaimed, smirking as he thought of the fun he'd have playing as that blond, blue-eyed guy with the whiskered cheeks who was totally _not a ninja_!

--------

"Hey little boy, want some _candy_?" a silky voice questioned sleazily. Gaara watched idly as Naruto chuckled lightly. They were in the middle of the ghetto, looking for Sai's house, when they were stopped by this creepy pale guy.

"Sorry Orochimaru, not today. I'm in the middle of a bet, you see," he explained. Orochimaru smiled.

"Oh, that's just fine Naruto. But seriously, come visit us sometime soon, Kimimaro misses you," the dark-haired man said. Naruto nodded an affirmative and waved a goodbye at the totally not suspicious old man handing candy out to children.

"You _are_ aware that he was a total pedophile, right?" Gaara asked slowly. Naruto laughed.

"You are so funny, Gaara! Of course Orochimaru's not a pedophile! He doesn't molest kids, he does projects on them!"

Gaara shook his head in sadness. The poor, poor boy. The green-eyed teenager looked around, not recognizing his surroundings.

"Anyway, do you know where this Sai lives?" the redhead asked. Naruto stopped.

"Uh, _no_? Why would I know that?"

Gaara snorted in disbelief. "Do you even know his last name?"

"Well, no, but—"

"You don't _take_ stuff from people and you don't even know their name."

"You aren't my mother!"

"And I never will be."

While the one-sided argument continued, neither of the two friends noticed someone walking up to him.

"Naruto?" Said blond turned around and grinned.

"Sai!" and he almost tackled the poor boy with a hug. Gaara shook his head once more.

"Uh, how are you Naruto?" Sai asked awkwardly as the shorter teenager tightened his grip.

Naruto took a big breath. "Me and Gaara (Gaara being that creepy fucker over there) were playing Ninja Football League '08 and I told him how _you_ totally gave it to me for no price and he was all 'Gee GOLLY Sai is a pedophilic RAPIST' and I was all 'NUH UH' and he was all 'YUH HUH' and then he took the game out the FS2 (because he's a totally pissy bitch) and put it in the case and said how he was going to return it to you because you're a sick rapist and then he bet me something fierce and here we are."

Sai smiled. "That's…nice?"

"I know, right? And why are you here Sai?"

"You're standing in front of my apartment." Both Gaara and Naruto looked at the building they, ironically, stood in front of.

Gaara coughed into his fist, glaring at the fake-smiling Sai.

"So, _Sai_, is it?" Sai nodded, still smiling. Gaara continued.

"Are you by any chance a rapist?"

Naruto stared at him as if he were crazy.

Sai smiled at him.

"It varies."

**END NERVE**

**

* * *

**

Fo rizzle mah nizzat, dis shit iz da MAD dope, mane.

Ahem…yeah, sorry. Just trying to be more gangsta, just for the hell of it.


	12. Nerve Eleven: The Terrifying

**Low-Wage Worth**

JUST DROP THE BOMB! (DDR Reference, Sorry For the Inconvenience)

_Sai likes Naruto, Naruto does not_

_Sasuke just thinks Naruto's hot_

_Neji wants Naruto to suck his_ (censored since this is rated T)

_Gaara wishes Sai would go and rot_

_Kyuubi thinks that this could really rock_

_And Itachi's just sticking with what he's got_

That was Low-Wage Worth in a nutshell. In case someone forgot what the hell was going on.

**Dedication: The 200****th**** Reviewer: Nine Tailed Vixen! Bow chika wow wow, baby!**

_Nerve Eleven: The Terrifying_

* * *

Naruto had never in his life met a rapist.

And never in his life has he ever _wanted_ to meet one.

But on the day where his almost-kinda-maybe-perhaps a friend let it slip that he was indeed a potential rapist, Naruto reacted in a way that was much unexpected of him.

"Say what?"

Gaara cocked an eyebrow in question. Well, he tried to cock an eyebrow, but his plan was foiled by his more traumatic childhood that included hair dye, nail polish, and a pair of scissors.

"Why aren't you screaming and yelling?" Gaara asked, shuddering slightly at his memories. "Your precious Sai is exactly what I told you he was!"

Sai smiled knowingly. "Which was?"

Gaara looked at him blandly. "A complete rapist,"

Naruto blinked. "But he said that it varied! Doesn't that mean that it isn't guaranteed?"

"You poor boy," the redhead muttered. Sai chuckled and moved towards the door.

"Well, if you're _really_ interested, then why don't you come up and see who is normally on my list of being potentially raped, 'kay?"

Gaara didn't like the look of this. It was go up and maybe get molested, go up and probably get Naruto molested, go up and BOTH of them get potentially molested, or go home and get raped the next day. It was at times like this when Gaara wished he was still homicidal. Damn Naruto and his video games that showed him the truth of dying! It was when playing "The Well-Know Tale of Helda: Midday Prince" on the Fwee that he realized you don't get second chances in life. Nor do you get a bunch of hearts above your head that can be chipped off by angry chickens.

"Let's do it!" Naruto exclaimed. Gaara snapped out his thoughts and opened his mouth to oppose, but Naruto was already pulling him through the open doors that lead to the apartment's hallway. Sai smiled and opened his door, unleashing a completely new world.

"Wow…" Naruto whispered. "It's just like magic!"

Sai smirked. "I know, right?"

Gaara snorted. "It looks like someone had a multicolored orgasm."

And it did. Paints of every color imagined were splattered artistically on the walls, the furniture refused to match in any way, and even the carpet looked like a gay parade. Naruto squinted at the kitchen. The counters were drenched in a red, drippy substance and the ceiling was covered in an unknown green glob, which also dripped down.

"What the hell happened in there?!" he shrieked.

Sai blinked. "Oh, that? I was cooking breakfast this morning and it kinda exploded."

"_Please_, I've seen explosions and those are _mild_ compared to this!" Naruto replied knowingly. Sai cocked an eyebrow.

"Uh huh. What explosions did _you_ see?"

"The explosions from when I threw a grenade in GTA 3."

Sai choked down his laughter. "Gradually Timed Arsenals _Three_? Catch up with the times, Fox! It's all about GTA: Colorado!"

Naruto gasped. "Oh my _fucking_ God! Is that the one where you can shoot the police, but they won't care because you aren't wearing black?!"

"The very same."

"You've gotta let me borrow that! I even heard you can do drive-bys on snowboards!"

Gaara coughed into his fist. "This conversation is absolutely riveting, but didn't we come here to see Sai's rape victims?"

Sai chuckled. "Oh yes, I forgot about that. Follow me, please."

They walked down a short hall until they reached one room, with a brightly colored rainbow door.

"Don't touch anything when you come in, okay?" Sai warned, and opened the homo door. Inside the room it was just black. Everything was pitch black, even the window. Sai walked in and flicked on his light, motioning the other two teenagers to follow him. They cautiously walked through the doorway way and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room as Sai rummaged through a dresser. With a victorious "Ah ha", Sai pulled out a photo album.

He sat down on his bed and patted the mattress invitingly. Naruto suspiciously walked over to the bed and lowered his self on it carefully. Gaara just snorted and sat on the bed with unseen suspicion.

"_These_ are the people I'm most likely to rape," Sai explained, opening the album. Naruto and Gaara leaned in closer and looked at the pages in interest.

Until Gaara caught on, like always. "Wait a minute, all the people in this album are—"

"Blond, blue-eyed, tan? Yes, yes they are." Sai replied. Naruto snorted.

"What are you, a Nazi?"

And everyone got DEAD quiet. Even Gaara stopped breathing.

"Naruto…" Sai began, but Gaara cut him off.

"Nazis ARE NOT FUNNY. Nazi-jokes ARE NOT FUNNY. Making Holocaust references IS NOT FUNNY. That was _horrible_ of you, Naruto. I am very disappointed." Gaara snapped, his pupils dilating and his mouth salivating slightly.

Sai nodded. "Exactly, I couldn't have said it better myself. Black-jokes aren't funny. Hispanic-jokes aren't funny. Blonde-jokes are _hilarious_, though."

Naruto looked down in shame. "You guys are right, I was wrong for that. Calling someone a Nazi is VERY MEAN and I'll never do it again!"

Sai and Gaara both patted his blond head at the same time. "Great job Naruto!"

_This message was brought to you by the "Nazis, u ttly suxxors" Organization, also known as "NUTS". Remember kids, Nazis r SUXXORS._

"Now that we've gotten _that_ out of the way, let's get back to our conversation, shall we?" Sai asked.

Naruto and Gaara both nodded. Sai smiled. "Good."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow in question at Sai. "If these are the people you are so fond of violating, then why aren't you trying to rape _me_?"

Sai smirked and brought his index finger and thumb about two inches apart.

"Your penis must be this long for me to be interested."

**END NERVE**

* * *

Lol. I like this chapter. Maybe it's because of the "multicolored orgasm", but I don't know. 


	13. Nerve Twelve: The Weird

**Low-Wage Worth**

I'm proud of you guys, I really am.

Some of you _actually_ caught onto the parodies of certain games, like the Fwee (which was a jab at the Wii).

GREAT JOB!

(Btw, Determined, I'm seme this time)

_Nerve Twelve – The Weird_

* * *

Sai wanted to play like _that_, did he?

Well, Naruto could join in too.

"Wow that looks like the full circumference of your mouth, which wouldn't even be able to _handle_ me."

Gaara cocked an eyebrow. "I didn't know that you even knew what circumference was."

Naruto glared. "I have a fucking 3.7 GPA, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Fuck you, Gaara."

"Not interested."

Sai chuckled. "You two are utterly amusing."

"Sai, shut up."

"Why don't you make me, if your _penis_ is so big?"

Naruto groaned. "I _don't_ want to go through this again. I'll end up in the YMCA, and the _thing_ will make me bleed pink ink."

Sai laughed and ruffled Naruto's hair. The blond scowled as he ran his fingers through his blond mane to smoothen it out.

"I like you Naruto. I just hope one day you'll like me back," Sai said, smiling genuinely. Naruto laughed haughtily.

"What're talking about? I told you that you were my friend, didn't I?" he asked in amusement. Sai sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, and his fake, creepy smile returned.

"You'd understand it when you grow up, which you should probably do soon," he replied. And then the black-haired teen got off the bed and opened his room door.

"You guys might want to leave; my roommate should be here soon."

Gaara narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "And what's so bad about your roommate? Is he a rapist too?"

Sai shook his head. "Worst, he's a cross dresser."

Naruto jumped up and pulled Gaara along with him as he rushed out the room.

"I think I'll pass on the cross dressers. Thanks for having us, Sai!" Naruto called as he practically ran out the multicolored house. Sai waved good bye and slammed the front door closed after them, the sound of several locks clicking after.

Naruto stopped once they were on the street and took several deep breaths. He looked at Gaara and frowned at the contemplative look on his friend's face. The redhead was standing statue-still, holding his chin between two fingers and not even blinking.

"Gaara?" Naruto called slowly. The redhead snapped his green eyes towards the teenager next to him.

"Crush," he muttered. Naruto cocked an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"Sai's crushing on you," Gaara explained. Naruto furrowed his eyebrows.

"How can he crush me when I'm bigger than him? I have more muscles than he does, and I'm a bit taller," he retorted.

Gaara stared at him for a moment before letting a small smile break across his face.

"Don't listen to Sai when he tells you to grow up," he said. "Just stay you, for as long as you possibly can."

Naruto blinked several times as Gaara began to move in the direction of their street, and he stumbled over his feet as he ran to catch up.

"What're ya talking about?"

Gaara kept the small smile on his face as he glanced at his best friend.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

--------_**WHOAPAGEBREAK**---------_

"Man it's great to be home!" Naruto exclaimed as he stepped inside and kicked off his shoes. Gaara followed him inside, staring at his best friend's white walls wistfully.

"I think I miss the multicolored orgasm…" he muttered under his breath.

Naruto chuckled and opened the door that led to the living room.

"Oh. Hey Little Bro'!"

Naruto felt his heart stop. Kyuubi blinked at him, waving his arms in a weird manner.

"Kyuubi…" the blond started.

"Yeah?" the redhead asked.

"_WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED?!_"

Kyuubi looked at his nude body and blushed, stopping the waving of his arms. He chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his head.

"Well, I was playing the Fwee, and it started to ask me some weird requests," he explained. Naruto felt his eyebrows twitch.

"And it asked you to _get naked_?"

"Uh huh. Didn't it, Sasuke?"

Naruto snapped his head towards the black-haired teenager that sat on his living room couch nodding, along with Kyuubi's boss.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?!" Naruto shrieked, pointing a shaky finger at his boss. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"If you must know, my car broke down and I asked my brother to pick me up from work, and we came to his boyfriend's house, and here I am."

Naruto opened his mouth to screech out a response, but could say nothing, since it _was_ a reasonable excuse. He turned back to Kyuubi.

"And why the fuck are you holding my Fwee controller while you're naked?!" he snarled. Kyuubi laughed.

"Oh yeah, well, after it asked me to get naked, it told me to masturbate," he said. Naruto felt his blood chill and Gaara sat next to Sasuke, just to get a better view of the entertainment.

Naruto struggled to stop trembling. "It…asked you…to…_masturbate_?"

Kyuubi made a face. "Yeah. This game is really weird, you know?"

"You MASTURBATED with my Fwee controller?!"

"Well, not yet. I was just about to do that, until you came in. It says on the screen, 'MASTURBATE,' see?"

Naruto looked at the screen, which indeed said **MASTURBATE** and even showed a little example of what you were supposed to do with those Fwee controllers.

"Huh. I never reached _that_ level," he muttered, before glaring at his older brother. "Give me my fucking controller back, NOW."

Kyuubi snorted. "Fine, I know Itachi wants to play with _my_ controller."

Itachi shrugged. "I'm not going to deny it."

Naruto groaned and Kyuubi patted his head.

"Its okay, Little Bro'. I'll be sure to only play the **E** rated games now,"

Naruto looked at the game case, forgotten on the floor.

It WAS rated **E** for Everyone. Or was that **E** for Erections?

Naruto sighed and turned off the Fwee as Itachi and Kyuubi moved towards the back of the apartment and he instead plugged up the Dreamcube 180, getting two controllers and looking at his boss who sat on his couch in a bored manner. Naruto contemplated letting him play too, since he was such a jerk to him at work. But then he thought that despite Sasuke being a bastard towards him, he could be the bigger man and NOT be a bastard towards his boss.

"Hey bastard, wanna play?"

Sasuke looked up in surprise. Naruto cocked an eyebrow and waved another controller at him.

"Uh, sure."

Gaara smirked and Naruto glared at him.

"What's so funny?"

The redhead looked at him blandly. "Nothing. You mellowed out a lot more, I'm proud of you."

Naruto smiled brightly at his best friend. "Really? Thanks!"

Sasuke sat awkwardly between the two friends and coughed discreetly. "May I ask what we're playing?"

Naruto and Gaara looked at each other and smirked evilly.

"Final Fantasy MELEE!"

Sasuke blinked and felt rather out of place as Naruto began snickering and Gaara kept smirking.

Until the blond next to him grinned brightly at him and he couldn't help but smile back.

"Let's play!" the blue-eyed teen exclaimed, pressing **START** on the controller. Gaara chuckled deeply as he chose his favorite character, Yuna, disturbing Sasuke. Naruto grinned as he picked his favorite, Squall.

Sasuke hesitated and finally picked a character.

"_Kadaj_?! Oh man, you are SO screwed!" Naruto guffawed and Sasuke smirked as he watched the game prepare to start.

Once the screen started, the three teens began furiously tapping the buttons in battle. Gaara's pupils dilated in glee as Yuna summoned an Aeon to destroy everyone on the field. Except for Kadaj, who barely dodged his dragon.

Naruto looked at his boss, trying to gauge how concentrated he was, only to see a real smile on the pale face.

"Having fun bastard?"

Sasuke slowed down in his button smashing and looked at him, his smile making the corners of his eyes crinkle.

"Yeah, I am."

**END Nerve**

* * *

So someone told me that I wasn't really advancing in the storyline, so I was all "Well, damn, they're right!"

And then I was all "Well, it IS the twelfth chapter, so maybe the plot can kick in now!"

And VOILA, inklings of romance!

And who noticed the crossover between Naruto/Final Fantasy/Smash Brothers? I'd buy a game like that, for sure.


	14. Nerve Thirteen: The Grating

**Low-Wage Worth**

For the record, I love each and every one of you, but some of you guys kind of weird me out sometimes.

I mean I live to make people happy and if a rape scene makes you happy, then I'll try to oblige you, but _damn_, I wish you wouldn't ask so much of me.

Uh, the rape scene is allllll the way at the end in a special, since it would interrupt the storyline to just throw in a random noncon scene like that.

Once again, I love _all_ of you. Even if I might think a few of you guys are kind of sick.

_Nerve Thirteen – The Grating_

* * *

Naruto, for the first time ever, could finally say that his life was going pretty well.

His boss stopped picking on him excessively.

His stalker stopped stalking him excessively.

And his best friend got him _Nate: Ultimate Not-A-Ninja 2_ since he won the bet.

But Naruto Uzumaki must learn that _nothing_ lasts forever.

Not happiness.

Not his lunch break.

Not even the Cripple Triple Chicken special they were having at KFC.

"So, Naruto… how's that game working out for you?" Sai asked, sketching in his book without looking at it. Naruto shrugged, sipping at his soda.

"Eh, it's okay. I'd like it better if Kane weren't in a gay policeman outfit," he made a face. "Then I wouldn't have to stare at his bare ass anymore when he tries to do a special."

Sai laughed. "Ah, that's my Foxy! Always refusing to come out the closet because of a video game!"

Naruto cocked an eyebrow. "How do I come out any closet when there _is_ no closet?"

"You're right, you were already gay."

"I don't want to kill you, Sai. Keep your opinions to yourself."

Sai just shrugged and graced the blond with one of his iffy fake smiles. "Whatever Naruto. Whatever."

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Naruto snapped. Sai winked.

"Not you, that's for sure."

"Oh COME ON! That was _gross_!" Naruto whined, slamming his fist on the table in playful outrage. Sai laughed and poked his forehead with his pencil eraser, causing Naruto to jab at him with his straw and a full-blown poke war erupted, the two teenagers poking whatever bare skin they could find.

As they laughed and fought playfully, Sasuke slammed through the doors and ran inside straight to Naruto, looking somewhat awkward and different.

"Dude, you look like fucking shit, what the fuck happened?" Naruto asked as Sasuke caught his breath.

Sasuke snorted. "Thanks for your accurate conclusion, and you've got to hide, now!" he exclaimed, shaking Naruto's shoulders. Naruto felt woozy as he was jerked around and made Sasuke's hands release him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he griped. Sasuke's eyes darted to the doors and back to him.

"No time, just hide!"

Sai cocked an eyebrow. "How much of a threat _is_ this person?" he asked knowingly.

The black-haired teen gazed at him with fright. "Ever seen Zabuza Momochi, the bodyguard of that pop singer Haku?"

Sai and Naruto nodded. Who _hasn't_ seen that monstrous man with muscles that could feed a third world country?

Sasuke gulped. "Take that and minus it by .00001."

Sai's eyes widened and Naruto felt his breath hitch.

"What do you mean by that?!" the blond asked fearfully.

Sasuke stopped, making everyone else in the restaurant stop (because, honestly, the KFC had become a regular soap opera and _everyone_ wanted to watch it). A small rumbling was heard in the background and Sasuke paled even more than usual.

"_Hide_!" he whimpered before, in an amazing show of acrobatics, he jumped over the counter while doing a triple back flip and landing on his feet. Naruto blinked and turned back to Sai.

"I had _no_ idea he could do that!" he whispered in amazement. Sai nodded in agreement before looking towards the doors, as the rumbling had risen in volume.

Everything seemed to stop as a large figure stomped up to the doors, slamming them open with such force that one door fell off the hinges, making Neji (who was watching in the background) snarl and curse under his breath. A large teenager, due to the young look he carried, stalked inside, slanted green eyes scanning across the restaurant before stopping at Naruto and Sai.

The teenager, Naruto decided, was _not_ Zabuza Momochi minus .00001. He was Zabuza Momochi minus .1, or less, because this dude was _gigantic_. He had a fixed jaw with several extremely sharp teeth poking out from between his lips. His hair was neck-length and white, and he wore a tight black tank top that accented his muscles along with baggy blue pants and dirty brown combat boots.

Naruto gulped. "Uh, hi?"

The white-haired teenager smiled at him, exposing two freakish rows of super sharp teeth. "_Hi_," he replied in a voice that seemed more fitting on a con artist.

"Is there something you want?" the blond asked him in a small voice as the face leaned closer to him, which meant the teeth followed.

Chopper (as Naruto had dubbed him in his head) nodded, his hair moving along. "Yep, to beat the fuck out of you and get you out of the picture."

Naruto could've sworn that he almost cried at that moment. "Oh really? And why is this?" he replied.

Chopper cracked his knuckles. "Because with you gone, I can get a date with Sasuke!"

Naruto face faulted. "Wait… You're saying that YOU are going to fuck me up because of Sasuke?!" he snapped, anger clouding over his initial shit-in-your-pants fright.

Chopper nodded. "Pretty much. By the way, which is your better side? The right or the left?"

Naruto shrugged. "The right. My pictures come out slightly sexier on that side," he responded before glaring at Chopper. "Besides, the FUCK I'm letting you damage either sides of my face!"

"And what's makes you so sure of that?"

"What makes you so sure that I'm in the way of you and Sasuke?!"

Chopper stopped and scratched behind his head in wonder. "Well, it's kind of complicated," he explained. "You see, I've been trying to get Sasuke to go out on a date with me since ninth grade, and I asked him again today in high hopes. Imagine how I felt when he told me that he was in a relationship with one of his employees. A BLOND HAIRED and BLUE EYED one, with WHISKER SCARS and an ATTITUDE PROBLEM."

Naruto scowled. "Why are you exaggerating all of those words?" he asked in annoyance.

Chopper laughed. "Just to see if anyone else that meets that description comes out, but no one did, so say good bye to your right side!"

Sai choked back a laugh, making Naruto and Chopper look at him. Chopper flexed an arm muscle and glared at him.

"You want some too, pretty boy?" he growled.

Sai shook his head and fixed the large teen with an evil look that included a creepy smile. "Not at all, but I do believe that we might've come across a bit of a misunderstanding," Sai purred. "You see, Foxy here is with _me_, so perhaps you should try threatening someone _after_ you've got all the facts."

"Hey, what the fu—" Naruto yelped in indignation as he was dragged almost across the entire table and Sai leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"_Go with it_!"

Naruto smiled nervously as Sai began petting his hair and Chopper glared at the two.

"So you _aren't_ with Sasuke?" Chopper asked.

"Nope." Naruto replied.

"Sasuke is very single?"

"Well, I always thought he was bastard-sexual, but you seem to fit that description very well, so you should be okay."

"And you are very, _very_ gay for girly boy over there?"

"…Yeah?"

Chopper grinned. "Great!"

Some scuffling was heard and Sasuke popped up behind the counter, looking rather messy and very angry.

"NARUTO!" he yelled. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SELL ME OUT LIKE THAT!"

Naruto smiled mischievously. "Anyone who makes your life as much of a hell as you made mine is an automatic friend."

Chopper laughed and crossed his arms, making his muscles bulge out even more. "I like you, Blondie," he said. "I'm Suigetsu Hozuki."

The blond snickered. "I like you too, Chopper!" he replied. "And I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

They exchanged a manly handshake and gave each other manly hugs while laughing and Sai smirked as he continued to doodle in his sketchbook.

"What a beautiful start to a gay relationship."

**END Nerve**

* * *

Oh and here's the rape scene._**

* * *

**_

_**SUPER+SPECIAL+AWESOME+SPECIAL**_

"N-no!"

"You will have to learn, Naruto, that _no_ isn't allowed in our…game."

"Leave me alone!"

"Uh–uh, my darling Fox, it is time that you submit! Now, I will take the one thing you truly love."

"AhhHHHHH!"

"What the fuck is going on in here?"

Gaara blinked as he took in the scene of Sai sitting on top of Naruto, holding controller over the blond's head with a pair of scissors to the wire. He coughed inconspicuously and nodded his head.

"Well, continue you fag-tastic game. I'll be in the kitchen, eating bananas."

And he slammed the door closed.

**END **_**SUPER+SPECIAL+AWESOME+SPECIAL**_

_

* * *

_

_Disclaimer: _The "Super Special Awesome" line belongs to LittleKuriboh of the YuGiOh Abridged Series. Because he's that awesome.

There's your rape scene. I hope you guys are happy, because that was about the best I could do. S_orry_!

And, for the record, my newfound Pokemon soundtrack inspired me to finish this chapter. THANK IT. I know I do.

(For the record, I don't know what ANYTHING minus .00001 is.)


	15. Holiday Nerve: Christmas Day

**Low-Wage Worth**

(rolls on floor spontaneously)

WHO LIKES CHRISTMAS?

I do. This Christmas I should be getting a Wii and that Bleach: _Shattered Blades_ game, the one with Grimmjaw Jaggernuts. He and his name are the shiznit. Although, Renji might be more of the shiznit... it's hard to decide, actually.

But enough about that… Here's a Low-Wage Worth Christmas special twelve days before actual Christmas, because I can!

_

* * *

Holiday Nerves – Christmas Day_

"Merry Christmas, Naruto!"

Naruto blushed and grinned. "Merry Christmas Sai!" he greeted excitedly. It was Christmas Day, and it was decided that the group of kinda friends would hang out at Naruto's pad for a kinda Christmas party. Even Kyuubi was there, but that was probably because he lives there and pays the rent.

Sasuke huffed and placed his hands on his hips. "What, no Christmas greetings for me?" he teased.

Naruto fixed him with an obvious look. "Uh, _no_."

Sasuke looked crestfallen, and the taller boy next to him nudged him in what was probably meant to be his ribs, but ended up poking him in the neck with his elbows.

"Suigetsu's always up for the rejection rebounds, you know," Suigetsu purred. Sasuke glared and elbowed him roughly in the stomach.

"Well, Sasuke doesn't do rebounds because he doesn't do rejections!" he snapped. Suigetsu pouted and rubbed his stomach, although it didn't hurt because of the rock-hard abs and tough stomach.

"But Fox-Face is already crushing on Pretty-Boy, so how are _you_ going to get him?!" he retorted. Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"That's none of your concern."

And the two got silent, deciding to turn towards Naruto and Sai. Gaara sat on the couch, completely pwning Neji at _Bleach: Sullied Clothes_ on the Fwee. Kyuubi was drunk and poking at Itachi's hair while singing bad Christmas carols with Shuukaku.

Naruto and Sai? Well, they exchanged gifts.

Sai smiled genuinely. "Here you go Naruto! I hope you like it," he said as he handed Naruto a slender, orange wrapped box.

"Awesome! Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it!" Naruto exclaimed as he tore at the wrappings. Sai smiled misleadingly.

Naruto should've never said that.

"Oh my fucking God, it's a…" Naruto paused. "…vibrator."

Sai nodded. "It comes with elongating capabilities."

"Gee… Thanks Sai."

"No problem. I got it on sale anyway."

Naruto turned around and secretly threw the box behind the plastic Christmas tree and turned back to Sai, holding a box out to him.

"I hope you like it, you perverted bastard," he said sincerely. Sai smiled and took the box, opening it slowly and pulling out something…_orange_.

He chuckled nervously. "Wow… It's a new belly-shirt."

Naruto grinned. "I know, right? Put it on! Come on, I wanna see you in it!"

Sai smiled shakily. "Are you sure? I mean, it's a nice shirt and all-"

"Put it on!" Sasuke yelled. Sai glared at him.

Naruto shrugged. "I'll use the vibrator if you put on the shirt." _Use it to mix my cake batter or some shit like that. The HELL that thing's going up my sexy ass!_

Sai contemplated this. "All right." And he took off his green and red belly shirt (he _really_ liked Christmas, after all), throwing it on Sasuke's face, and he slipped on the orange one.

Sai knew instantly why Naruto was colorblind. Orange really _was_ a comfortable color, it seemed. And he looked at his chest and almost scowled.

Suigetsu snickered. "Aww… it says "**FAG**"! Sasuke, why don't _you_ ever buy me belly-shirts that say "**SEXY**" or "**SASUKE'S PROPERTY**"?"

Let it be known that Suigetsu is Suigetsu, and Suigetsu in a belly-shirt is like looking at Zabuza Momochi in a bikini top. It's just that bad.

"Because I hate you and I'm more likely to get you a shirt that says "**SASUKE'S REALLY CREEPY STALKER**" than "**SASUKE'S PROPERTY**"."

The short-haired, belly-shirted teen tried to laugh. Or smile. Or make any vaguely pleased facial expression.

"Thank you Naruto, I love it."

And the smile was worth the fagalicious shirt, Sai decided.

Sasuke grabbed the collar of said fag-tastic shirt and pulled Sai back, pushing an orange wrapped box at Naruto. The blond took the box with less exuberance than he did Sai and opened it suspiciously.

And then he grinned.

"Holy shit, it's that new _Nate_ game for the Fwee! I always wanted it!" he purred and began to cuddle with the game's cartridge. Sai glared at Sasuke who smirked back. Naruto smiled at Sasuke and reached under the tree, putting down the game and picking up another box.

"Thanks Sasuke, and here's one for you!"

Sasuke gratefully took the box, but didn't open it.

"You bought a present for me on your own regard?" he asked suspiciously.

Naruto laughed. "Hell to the _no_! I bought it to see if you might grant me a raise, since I went out of the way and got you that present."

"I knew it." And he opened the box. Sasuke felt his eyebrow twitch madly as he pulled out an orange shirt as well.

"Uh… A tube top."

"It's called a _belly-shirt_, you uncultured moron." Sai snapped, crossing his arms irritably. Naruto clasped his hands together and smiled delightfully. "C'mon, put it _on_!"

Sasuke opened his mouth, but Suigetsu beat him to the chase. "Yeah Sasuke, put it on!"

"I _will_ kill you some day, you oversized oaf."

"I love you too, Sasuke."

Sasuke grumbled as he took off his red unbuttoned collared shirt, then his green t-shirt underneath, and then a tank top underneath all of that. And he struggled to put on the belly-shirt, breathing in relief as he finally felt it splayed across his chest.

He looked at everyone else.

"Do I look okay?" he asked.

No one made a move to answer, but Naruto's face was rather red, he wasn't breathing, and his face was about to split in half with the smile he was sporting.

That…was _not_ a good sign.

Neji came up to him and pointed a blame-filled index finger at his face. "You don't look _okay_, you look fucking gay!" he snapped, and went back to his video game. Gaara nodded and resumed in pwning the pants off Neji.

Kyuubi waddled up to them and took one look at Sasuke and burst out laughing drunkenly.

"Oi, Shuukaku, check thish out!" he slurred pointing at Sasuke. "He's a BASTARD! Like hish shirt shaysh, shee, "**BASTARD**"!"

Itachi sighed and snatched the cup from the redhead's hand. "Bad Kyuubi. No more eggnog for you, you big drunk lush."

Sasuke looked down at the letters on his chest and found that the shirt in fact _did_ say "**BASTARD**".

He didn't know whether to be angry or amused.

Suigetsu pushed both dark-haired teens out the way and held a large, long box in one arm. "My gift is more pimpin' than both their gifts combined, Fox-Face!" he bragged. "Check it out!"

He threw the box at Naruto, who caught it, and was surprised by how heavy it wasn't. The blond tore at the wrapping and opened the box excitedly.

And then, everyone stopped.

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD IT'S A REAL LIFE NINJA SWORD!" Naruto exclaimed and began swinging it around. He accidentally sliced off a portion of the Christmas tree and Kyuubi sobered up magically.

"HEY! No fucking swords if you're going to slice up Christmas trees and not going to share!" the man snapped. Naruto pouted and handed the sword to Kyuubi, who took it gleefully and starting swiping around the apartment while giggling. Itachi did not follow, for he loved his hair more than he liked sex with Kyuubi.

Naruto immediately clamped onto Suigetsu and snuggled the taller teenager. "I love you AND your present the most, Chopper!" he cooed. And then he reached under the somewhat destroyed tree and grabbed a box that he thrust at the white-haired teen.

Suigetsu opened the box and pulled out a black sweater, which he took the time to read before he grinned and put it on.

"Check it out, Sasuke!" he boasted. "I'm "**MADE OF AWESOME**"!"

"So what?" Sasuke grumbled.

Naruto laughed and scratched behind his head. "Hold on, I've gotta take a leak."

Sai nodded. "So do I, actually."

Sasuke glared. "But not before me!"

All three teenagers looked at each other before taking off in a run towards the hallway. And due to a unconceivable plot-device, all three also got kinda stuck in the hallway entrance.

"Move your fat ass, Mister Manager!" Sai hissed.

Sasuke snorted. "How about _you_ move your big head, and then we'll worry about me!"

"Both of you bastards should deflate your giant egos and there would be a little more room for us to fit through!" Naruto snarled.

Kyuubi ran up and pointed the ninja-rific sword at the top of the hallway entrance. "Hey, there's mistletoe up there!"

The three looked up and Naruto paled. There really _was_ mistletoe up there.

Sai grinned so brightly that the sun almost lost its job. "I call kiss!"

Sasuke struggled to kick at Sai, but ended up getting Naruto instead, who grunted irritably. "No, _I_ call kiss!"

Kyuubi waggled his eyebrows deviously. "How about you _both_ call kiss!" he suggested. "You're perfectly situated for it!"

Naruto let out a long string of curses that would've made a sailor proud. "You fucker! When I fucking get out of this fucking fucked-up situ-fucking-ation, I'll fucking _kill_ you--!" But he was cut off by two lips pressing against his cheeks at the same time. Both Sai and Sasuke pulled back, and Naruto gained the newfound strength to push through the two and stomped towards the bathroom.

"Gayest fucking Christmas ever!" he muttered, but the blush was unmistakable.

Sai blinked and brushed off his shirt. "I think you might've given him Mono, Mister Manager."

"Shut the hell up, Gaylord."

Sai smirked and walked towards the couch, where Gaara sat, playing the video game perfectly and staring at the screen without blinking.

Sai coughed into his fist. "So… aren't you Naruto's best friend?"

Gaara made an "hmm" sound. "Hmm… Suppose I am. What does it mean to you?"

"Well, did you get him something for Christmas?"

"Of course."

"May I know what it was?"

Gaara smirked. "The mistletoe that was over your heads, actually."

Sai cocked an eyebrow.

And then he smiled.

"Thanks for that then," he said. "Oh, and Merry Christmas."

Gaara paused the game and looked up at Sai.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Gaylord."

**END CHRISTMAS SPECIAL**

* * *

OMFG HOW GAY WAS _THAT_?! It was like Liberace meets Big Gay Al. And they have gay man sex. And make gay little man babies.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.


	16. Nerve Fourteen: The Vexing

**Low-Wage Worth**

KTHNX GUYZ 4 ALL THE CHRISTMAS GREETINGS.

(I got in trouble, so I didn't get the Wii. Hopefully this makes anyone who had a bad holiday feel better. Yet, on the other hand, I got lots of yaoi manga, which is the equivalent of a Wii to me. So, forget that other statement.)

And a warning for this chapter would be that Pein equals Southern Belle.

_Nerve Fourteen_ – _The Vexing_

* * *

"Hey, bastard, you got a visitor today!"

"Tell him to go away!"

"He says to go to the back and sex him up."

"No I didn't! Suigetsu, GO AWAY!"

Naruto snickered and covered his mouth as he did so. Suigetsu just sighed in mock-defeat and sat in a booth with Sai, who was busy drawing his latest gay comic.

He called it _FAKE_. And boy was it gay. It had policemen, and _they had handcuffs_.

Sasuke walked up to the front and stood next to Naruto sternly.

"Naruto, perhaps you don't understand the gravity of the situation," Sasuke began. "You probably don't remember this, but I _am_ your boss. There forth, whatever I say goes."

"What if you said that the world was ending?" Naruto questioned abruptly.

"Then you better take some fucking cover, because there an Armageddon out there."

"Or if my dog died?"

"Plan a funeral, despite how you don't have a dog."

"How about if you were gay for Sai?"

"…Huh?"

"Yeah, like, you and Sai are the biggest fags for each other since Jack and Will."

"Which Jack and Will? Pirates, or Will and Grace?"

"Will and Grace."

"I am so close to firing you that I'm afraid I just might _burn_ you."

"Nothin' is stopping ya, boss."

Sasuke cursed. "Except you and your _sexy ass_…" he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing important, now get back to work!"

"'Kay bastard boss!"

Sasuke nodded in approval as the blond immediately started pressing buttons on the cash register, despite how the manager had the vague suspicion that he didn't even know what half the buttons did.

Oh well, not like it matters or anything.

And then Sasuke looked up, and immediately saw the large body of the bane of his existence pressed against the glass window. The dark-haired manager sighed.

"Suigetsu, get down from the window," he ordered.

Suigetsu pressed his face into the glass harder. "Nuh uh man! Someone's vandalizing your joint outside!"

Sasuke groaned. "Sure they are, now get from the window."

"But they are! They're spray-painting with red, white, and black cans of paint all over your wall!"

"This is ridiculous, Suigetsu, now _sit down_!"

But then, Neji ran up to the front and jumped over the counter in one clean leap, looking extremely angry. Well, extremely angrier than usual, at least.

"What's going on, Neji?!" Sasuke demanded. The gray-eyed teen glared at him.

"My vandalism senses are tingling!" And he ran out the store. Soon, yells and screams of terror were heard from outside and most of the customers and even some workers were pressed onto the glass to see the action. Sasuke grumbled in annoyance and looked to his side, only to not see Naruto.

Said blond was on Suigetsu's shoulders, cheering on whatever was going outside.

"Yeah! Right hook, Neji!" he crowed. "Show 'em what you're made of!"

Sai chuckled. "Ow! That one must've hurt!"

"This is so awesome it isn't even troublesome." Shikamaru said happily, pressing his face into the glass.

Kiba kept hopping on one foot. "Holy shit, that eye won't be working good for a while!" he exclaimed.

Suigetsu gasped. "Fucking flapjacks! They're bringing in reinforcements!"

More screams were heard and everyone started clapping and whooping in joy. And then, the betting pool started.

"Fifty bucks on the vandals! "

"Are you kidding?! Sixty on Neji, that guy is killin' them, almost!"

"Fifty on Neji!"

"ONE HUNDRED ON NEJI!"

"Holy shit, I take my vandal bet back."

"You can't do that Kiba! Prepare to lose a good fifty!"

"Goddamn you, Blondie!"

Sasuke was trying his hardest to ignore the event, but he was getting the sudden urge to watch the fight as well.

_I will not watch the fight, I will not watch the fight, I will not watch the fight, I will watch the fight…wait, that isn't right…_

So he just said fuck it and went to the window, but Neji had walked in by now, dusting off his hands.

He looked at Sasuke oddly. "What are you doing?"

Sasuke sighed in defeat. "Nothing at all."

"Right, well, the punks have been taken care of," a loud cheer ran through the restaurant. "And I think I might know exactly who was behind it."

Neji motioned Sasuke outside and the manager followed. Once outside, with almost the entire crowd of people behind them, they got a good look at the recent graffiti. Everybody gasped.

"Who could've done such a thing?" Chouji asked angrily.

Naruto looked sad. "This is horrible!"

Sai rubbed his chin. "Hmm… the art possesses a certain _flair_ to it, I must say."

Kiba scratched his head. "And there are absolutely _no_ clues towards who might have been behind it!"

At this point Neji smacked his forehead in exasperation and Sasuke shook his head in amusement.

They then looked over the artful graffiti that was decorated profoundly with red and white clouds.

It said, **KFC SUX! GO EAT AT PEIN'S, WE'RE HAVING A SALE! 5 CHIKINS FOR THREE DOLLARS!**

Shikamaru looked disgusted. "I can't believe they misspelled chicken," he muttered.

Naruto looked at Suigetsu. "Who might've done this, Chopper?" he asked fearfully.

The taller teen looked down at him. "I don't know. I really don't know."

Neji choked back an angry snarl. "_PEIN DID IT_, you morons!" he roared. "IT SAYS SO, RIGHT THERE!" He pointed at the graffiti angrily.

Naruto shook his head. "This is a damn shame," he said, ignoring Neji. The brown-haired teenager made choking motions with his hands.

Sasuke coughed into his fist. "I am just as appalled and revolted as you guys are," he ignored Sai's statement of 'I'm actually pretty impressed' and continued. "And I am going to take a few choice employees with me to confront Pein."

Everyone, even the customers, stood still.

"Naruto, Neji, you guys are coming with me. Shikamaru, you are in charge. Suigetsu, don't follow me."

The white-haired teen smirked. "Since when have I ever done _that_?"

-------------

"I can't believe you followed me,"

Suigetsu waved his hand in an innocent manner. "I'm not following _you_… I'm following Naruto, who just so happens to be with you, and doesn't mind me following him."

Sasuke sighed as he went through the glass doors of the local rival fast-food chicken restaurant, _Pein's_.

"And why did you have to bring _him_?" he asked, pointing at the smiling Sai. Suigetsu looked at him as though he were stupid.

"Sai's following Naruto too, _duh_."

Naruto grinned. "I'm like, Fire Country's most wanted or something."

Sasuke just rolled his eyes, refusing to nod to that statement no matter how true it may be. The group of five soon reached the counter, which was being manned by a woman. A blue-haired woman with a black sunhat, a red polo shirt and a large pair of headphones on her ears.

Naruto looked at her in envy. "Oh man, their outfits are _so_ fuckin' awesome!" he whispered.

Sasuke tapped the counter once, but he received no answer as the suspiciously country-sounding music blared through the headphones. He then tapped the counter two more times, but was still ignored.

Then he slammed his fist on the clean white counter, and the girl twitched.

"Konan, you aren't fooling _anybody_." Sasuke snarled. The blue-haired girl smiled and removed the headphones from her ears.

"Aw Sasuke, you always were a bright one!" she said in a suspiciously country-sounding accent. Sasuke stood stiffly and crossed his arms.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd get me Pein," he stated. Konan shrugged and turned around.

"_HEY PEIN, MINI-ITACHI IS HERE TO SEE YA!_" she screamed towards the back.

"_I'MMA COMIN', WOMAN! JUST HOLD ON!_" a not-even-suspicious country voice yelled back.

The group stood silently, waiting for the infamous Pein to show himself. Soon, a shadowed figure began to walk towards them.

Then the shadows disappeared as he stepped into the light, and everyone was shocked and appalled at the face.

"Oh my fucking God, you look just like that guy on the sign outside!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing at the cartoon like icon on the sign in front of the restaurant.

"Ignore him," Neji said immediately.

Pein cocked a copper eyebrow and grinned at Sasuke, his piercings shining in the light.

"Well, if it ain't the mini-Uchiha!" he remarked. "I reckon you got my message?"

Sasuke nodded and motioned for Neji to come forward.

The brown-haired teenager coughed into his fist and glared at Pein. "Yes, we did get your fucking message, and we demand some fucking compensation!" he snarled, shaking a fist threateningly.

Pein stared at him.

And then he guffawed in laughter.

"Sorry," he choked out during the chuckles. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Yankee."

**END NERVE**

* * *

OMFG MO' DRAMA!

Yes, Pein's is a parody of Popeye's. With the southern-fried chicken and all.

Oh, and I don't own Will and Grace. I just own SEASON FUCKIN' ONE OF THE SERIES OMFG YAY

Pein still equals Penis to me, just for the record.


	17. Nerve Fifteen: The Trying

**Low-Wage Worth**

Holy shit, I can't find Sakura! WHERE DID SHE GOOOOOOOO D:

Actually, Sakura and Tenten and Ino and all those other nice womenfolk that are missing at the moment are actually part of a GRAND SCHEME OF EVILNESS THAT SHALL BE PUT IN MOTION IN ANOTHER TWO OR THREE CHAPTERS KUKUKUKUKU.

The missing men, like Kakashi and Asuma and all those guys, are currently on milk cartons because I'm completely _lost_ towards what to do with them.

Awesome, Y/N?

_Nerve Fifteen – The Trying_

* * *

Neji frowned. "I'm not a Yankee…" he said.

Pein waved a hand at him, smiling. "I'm sure you ain't, but that's just my way of callin' out anyone who speaks propahly. I ain't too fond of your kind, fer the record."

Neji scoffed. "Well, I'm not too fond out your language-butchering kind either, so we're _equal_."

Pein and Neji glared at each other, almost causing sparks to fly.

Naruto tugged at Sasuke's sleeve. "Hey, HEY! Bastard, buy me the Chi'rin Chicken Special!" he demanded.

Sasuke stared at him. "Aren't you too old to be eating Kid's Meals?" he asked slowly.

The blond looked shocked. "It's a KID'S meal?! I thought it was, I dunno, poisoned or something. I was going to seduce you and then feed to you, in hopes you might fall over and die or something."

Sasuke was speechless. He seriously didn't know what to think about what Naruto just said.

Except, the blond _seriously_ didn't know what a 'Chi'rin' was?

Suigetsu went to the blue-haired cashier. "Can I have the water bucket?" he ordered.

"That'll be twenty dollars."

Suigetsu was offended. "That's fuckin' highway robbery!" he exclaimed. "You can't possibly charge that much for a fuckin' drink!"

Konan sniffed in disdain. "I can and I _did_. Now cough up the cash, Chopper."

Suigetsu grumbled as he pulled out his wallet and handed the blue-haired woman a crisp twenty. She smiled at him, waving his ex-money at him mockingly.

"Thanks fer ya business!" she said happily and Suigetsu watched in horror as his money was put inside the cash register. Konan turned to the back and suddenly began yelling indecipherable things to the other employees.

"'EY! SOMEONE GET OUT BACK! WE GOTTA WATER BOY, REAL BIG, Y'ALL!" she screamed.

A vaguely slurred voice called back. "I'm on it!"

Sai put a hand on his hip. "Huh, that voice just now sounded _really_ familiar…" he voiced aloud.

Naruto paused in his attempts to seduce Sasuke into giving him a piggy-back ride and snorted at the other teen's comment.

"Probably your cross-dressing roommate or something. You're a really fucking weird person, so you _have_ to hang out with fuckers just as weird as you, ya know?"

The short-haired brunet shrugged. "You may have a point, Foxy… which is just as likely as you having a penis. This likelihood is zero, by the way."

A dead silence fell over the restaurant as the blond stopped breathing. He seriously stopped, to the point where Sasuke touched him and he completely fell over.

"Holy _shit_, you killed Naruto!" Sasuke exclaimed.

Pein pointed at Sai accusingly. "You _BASTARD_!" he shouted.

Suigetsu frowned at him. "Who the fuck are _you_?'

The copper-haired man scratched behind his head, blushing bashfully. "I was feelin' kinda awkward, so I wanted a piece 'o the action, ya know?"

The white-haired teen shook his head. "Yeah, next time you should make up your own action, you vandalizing bastard."

Neji smiled for the first time in, like, _forever_. "_Thank you_! That's what I've been trying to say this entire time!" he pointed at Pein. "This man is a fucking VANDAL!"

Sasuke put a hand on Neji's shoulder. "…We established this a long time ago, Neji. You were there."

The brown-haired teen scowled again. "Don't touch me, you AIDS farm."

Sasuke took his hand off the boy's shoulder and shook his head in shame. Only moments after that, a very girly-looking man stomped to the front, holding a giant bucket in his arms. The man was so girly-looking that he could've easily been a real woman (Especially with _that_ hairstyle. A long, blond bang that covered one eye and a high ponytail? _Gay_), except his grunts and voice was way too deep to be anywhere near female.

He looked like he was struggling.

"Can…someone…help me?" he rasped.

Everyone shook their heads.

Sasuke motioned towards his merry band of men (including the still unconscious Naruto) and shrugged. "Sorry, _we_ don't work here. You do."

Konan and Pein shook their heads. "Not our job either, Deidara. Ya know this, yet ya still ask fer help?" Pein scolded.

Deidara glared at all of them. "Fuck all ofYOU guys then." And he struggled to even put the obviously heavy bucket on the counter. Sai stared at Deidara for a moment, and then he snapped his fingers in realization.

"Oh yeah, you _are_ my cross-dressing roommate, aren't you?" he asked with a smile.

Deidara made an 'ooo' sound. "Hey, I think I _do_ live with you… I think, at least."

Sai tapped his chin. "Uh, an explosion, with food and green food coloring…"

The blond laughed. "Oh yeah! Yep, I live with you."

The brunet nodded his head. "Glad we got that established."

"I _knew_ it!" a grumpy voice asked from below. Everyone looked down to see Naruto trying to get up, with a few difficulties.

"Did you fuckers suddenly forget that I was unconscious and on the fucking ground (which smells great and is amazingly clean)?!" Naruto snapped.

Pein smiled. "Thanks. We like to use Mr. Clean. Really gets the grime."

The whiskered blond nodded in understanding. "I understand completely. It's amazing what a bottle and a bucket of water can do to _really_ get a floor sparkling clean."

Deidara coughed. "Speaking of buckets and water, WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE THIS FUCKING BUCKET OF WATER FROM ME AND DRINK IT BEFORE I BOMB THIS FUCKING BUILDING?" he roared.

Suigetsu brightened up. "Hey, I ordered a bucket of water… maybe it's mine!"

The long-haired man glared. "Well, TAKE IT THEN."

Neji looked at Pein. "Are you aware that one of your employees just made a bomb threat?" he asked slowly.

The copper-haired man shrugged. "We stopped carin' 'bout that a long time ago. He makes'em twice a week now, so we're used to it," Pein explained. Suigetsu took the bucket of water with ease and snatched a straw from the straw-holder.

Sasuke leaned over to whisper in Neji's ear. "Is that idiot seriously about to use a straw to drink a bucket of water?" he asked in amazement. Neji rolled his eyes.

"_Obviously_." Was the highly sarcastic answer.

Suigetsu placed the straw in the bucket, looking like he might actually go for the kill and _do_ it.

Until he dunked his head into the entire bucket, ignoring Sasuke's stares of absolute horror. He pulled his head out the water bucket, belching slightly.

"That is some _great_ water…" he said. "It's almost worth the twenty… if it weren't the same water I could get from my own back-fucking-yard with my WATER HOSE." He glared at Konan, who waved a hand in innocence.

"No you can't, because OUR water hose has a special ingredient."

The white-haired teen looked suspicious. "Really?" he asked.

The blue-haired cashier nodded. "Yep. _Love_."

Suigetsu nodded as though he understood, but not before waving Naruto over. The blond came cautiously, waiting for the bigger teen to do something drastic.

And drastic it was, as Suigetsu grabbed Naruto's head and dunked it inside the water. Struggle was imminent, but the muscular teen took care of that very well. After fifty seconds, he let Naruto come back up.

The blond gasped for air. "_What…the fuck…was _THAT_ for_?!" he rasped angrily.

"Did you taste any love?"

"Wha-"

"Did you taste any fucking love? Just answer the question!"

"To be truthful, I tasted something that was a bit different from normal water. I guess it was love, but I'm not too sure. It tasted kinda like hair grease, actually." Naruto replied thoughtfully.

Konan nodded. "Yep, that was love, folks."

Sai rolled his eyes. "_Great_. Can we leave now? This place is beginning to _bore_ me."

Sasuke nodded. "Yeah, it really is. Since it's owned by an old creepy pedophile and his merry band of terrorists, it's doomed to be boring."

Neji tapped his watch. "Why the hell are we still standing here then? We got a _fun_ KFC to run!" he growled.

Sasuke clapped his hands twice. "Naruto, Suigetsu, it's time to go!"

Naruto looked offended. "I _know_ he did not just call me like a dog, did he?"

Suigetsu shrugged and took his bucket of water. "I don't know, nor do I care. Now let's go, Blondie."

"Right behind you Chopper."

And the KFC crew was gone.

The moment the crazy kids left, Pein's smile dropped and he leaned against the counter. He scratched at a random piercing on his bottom lip.

"Man I hate kids. No damn respect fo' their elders, ya know whut I'm sayin'?" he grumbled.

Konan smiled. "Yep, I understand _every_ word, except not."

"Is this place _really_ borin', Konan?"

"No it ain't, Pein. They just _jealous_, okay?"

"Okay… Am I really a creepy ole pedophile with a merry band 'o terrorists?"

"Yes. Yes you is. Deal with it."

Pein sighed. "…Alright."

"Aww… Wanna go prank call the Mayor?"

"Boy, _do I!_"

**END NERVE**

* * *

Another chapter finished (I know, I know, it isn't nearly as funny, but I've got a reason for that), because I really wanna get to the next chapter, which will reveal a lot of shit about Sasuke and his family and his past and all that crap.

Aren't you EXCITED?!


	18. Nerve Sixteen: The Senile

**Low-Wage Worth**

_Yesssss…_ My all time favorite chapter is this very one! Mainly because any and all Uchihas make me lol extremely hard. I do not take Sasuke or his family seriously. I _never_ have.

_Nerve Sixteen – The Senile_

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha hated many things.

He hated his classmates (especially Suigetsu).

He hated his customers (especially Sai).

And he hated his family.

_Especially_ his family.

"Naruto, where is the batter for the chicken?" Sasuke demanded as he tapped his foot in impatience. The whiskered teen blushed bashfully and scratched behind his head.

"Uh, yeah, _about that_… you see, we kind of ran out yesterday, right before the vandalizing incident. I was _totally_ going to tell you, but with the Neji-attacks, the country bastards, and the terrorist cross dressers, I guess I never got the chance…" he explained.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. "We can't exactly start the restaurant today without the batter to FRY the chicken, you sexy moron!" he snapped.

Naruto shrugged. "Not my problem, sorry."

The black-haired manager smirked. "Oh, but it _is_ your problem… and I demand that you fix it right now!"

"How the hell am I going to _fix_ it? Do you think they sell bulk packaged sized fried chicken batter at the god damn CORNER STORE?"

"No…but I do know a place where it _is_ sold…"

Naruto scowled. "Don't tell me, I have to go buy it, right?"

Sasuke nodded. "Right. I'll give you the money to buy it this time, but there will be no other chance for your wallet's survival," he said, pulling out his thick wallet and handing Naruto a stack of bills.

"Yeah, yeah," the blond muttered, pocketing the money. "So, where do I have to go?"

"To the Valley of the End Club."

"Fuck the what now?"

"The VOTE Club."

"Oh. OH! Alright, I can do that."

"You better. In fact, I'd go there myself, but I don't exactly appreciate the people who work there." Sasuke shuddered slightly in remembrance.

Naruto shrugged on his coat. "Do you know the people that work there or something?" he asked lightly.

"My great-grandfather and my cousin works there. They creep me the hell out."

"Oh. Well, I'll be sure to avoid them, if they're related to you in any way."

"You'd better do that. They have no mercy."

"Right." Naruto stood there awkwardly. "Well, I'll be leaving now."

"I'm sure you will."

"Yep. I'm leaving, ready to walk _twenty or thirty miles_ to a bulk supply store."

"Have fun with that."

Naruto snarled and made choking motions with his hands, and then he stomped out the KFC angrily. Sasuke watched him go, confused.

"Did he want a ride or something?"

He shrugged.

-------------------------

Naruto kicked at a rock angrily as he walked down an otherwise empty road.

"Fuckin' bastard…" he grumbled. "Making ME do all the dirty work while he drives in his nice car, flaunting his money around!"

A brief image of Sasuke tearing off his expensive shirt while money blew in the air all around him flashed in Naruto's head.

He blushed.

"Aw damn, where's a car when you need one?!" he yelled at the sky.

At that very moment, the Gods of Plot Convenience shined down on him, and the sound of a speeding pickup truck was coming up, right behind him.

Naruto smiled, happier than he had ever been in his life. He thrust out his hand and stuck out his thumb passionately, even going as far as to jump up and down so you couldn't exactly _miss_ him.

The truck came to a screeching halt in front of him. The window rolled down and a man with short, spiky black hair and orange glasses looked down at him. He chewed loudly on pink bubblegum, and leaned over the pane.

"Need a ride?" he asked.

_No, I'm just standing out here like a hitchhiker for FUN._ "Sure man, that'd be great!"

The man popped his gum obnoxiously and jabbed his thumb towards the passenger seat. "Well, hop in!"

Naruto complied, opening the truck's door and jumping in happily.

The driver speed down the road again as soon as the door was closed. The blond jerked forwards, hitting his head on the windshield.

"Ouch, dammit!" he groaned, grabbing the seatbelt and snapping it on.

The driver snickered, snapping his gum some more. "You're funny," he said. "What's your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, and you?"

"Obito Uchiha. Where are we going?"

Naruto disregarded the last name, almost immediately forgetting it. "I need to get to the VOTE Club to buy some chicken batter."

Obito chuckled. "Well, that's ironic. I WORK there!"

"Wow, there really is a God!"

The Uchiha pulled out a packet of gum. "Want some?"

Naruto grinned. "Boy, _do _I!"

Obito grinned as the blond began to gleefully chomp the gum, and he touched the knob lightly.

"I like to listen to the radio, so I hope you don't mind," he announced.

Naruto waved a hand. "Dude, it's _your_ car, do whatever you want."

"Awesome then."

Some outrageously loud and screaming song was turned on, and Naruto stared at the radio in horror. Then he looked up at Obito, who was head banging to the music while driving and singing.

"_I'M GOING TO TUCK YOU IN AT NIGHT,_" the Uchiha screamed/sung. "_I'M GOING TO TURN ON YOUR NIGHTLIGHT! I'M GOING T__O READ YOU STORIES__ IN BED, AND AS YOU SLEEP I'LL PAT YOUR HEAD!_"

"Oh…m-my…God…" Naruto whispered, scared. That was the _single_ most disturbing song he had ever sat through. "What the hell is this song called?"

"_Bedtime for You_, by TRACKRECORD. Isn't it _fabulous_?" Obito almost swooned in his seat, making the truck almost run off the road. Naruto clutched the seat in fear.

_Wait, didn't Sasuke say he had a cousin who worked at the VOTE Club?_ Naruto thought fearfully. _Wasn't this freak's last name 'Uchiha'? Isn't Sasuke's last name 'Uchiha'? Oh GOD I just fucked myself over!_

"Do you know a Sasuke?" Naruto asked over the screaming music.

"Yeah, I have a cousin named Sasuke!" the gum-snapping man replied. "He's about seventeen and manages a KFC. Why do you ask?"

Naruto deflated in his seat. "No reason, just wondering," _THERE IS NO GOD._

----------------------------------------

"_SQUARES ARE ROUND; CIRCLES ARE SQUARES! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T BREATHE AIR!_" Obito screeched, stepping out the car. Naruto followed, visibly shaken up and pale.

The Uchiha looked at Naruto, concerned. He took off his obnoxiously orange glasses, staring at the blond with creepy red eyes.

"Are you okay man?" he asked worriedly.

Naruto held up a trembling hand. "Oh, I'm _fine_," he said with a trembling voice. "I just need to get my eardrums back and this godforsaken chicken batter."

"Oh, well that's awesome then." Obito shut the car door. "My great-gramps works here, and he's a little senile for the mile. Don't give him a hard time, okay?"

The blue-eyed teen grumbled all the way down the parking lot, cursing Uchihas everywhere for just existing.

Soon he made it to the glass door of the large bulk supply store. But it was being guarded by a highly attractive young looking black-haired man with an extremely serious and evil looking face. Naruto stopped in front of him, having to look up because the man was quite tall.

The door greeter spoke in a deep, grainy voice that sounded all around evil. "_WELCOME TO THE VALLEY OF THE END…_ of high prices!" the man smiled. "Would you like to see our sales for today?"

Naruto furrowed his eyebrows. "Uh no thanks. I'll manage on my own."

The door greeter's smile dropped. "Why not?" he asked angrily. "Do you not appreciate my kindness by even OFFERING you a sales paper, you demon?"

"Demon? Whoa man, I don't play the name calling game, and you look young enough for me to knock you the hell out." Naruto snapped back.

The man frowned. "What are you talking about, young man?" he asked kindly. "I only asked if your cat was okay."

"What the FUCK?"

"Gramps, are you bothering the customers again?" Naruto and the door greeter swirled around to see Obito trotting towards them.

"Oh," the door greeter cried. "Tobi!"

"My name is Obito, Gramps. Obito." The Uchiha turned to Naruto. "Naru, this is my great-gramps, Madara Uchiha. Gramps, say hi to Naruto Uzumaki."

"Butterflies!" Madara exclaimed, pointing at a house fly.

Naruto stared at the crazy man. "Dude, how old _is_ your grandpa?" he asked incredulously.

Obito grinned. "Old Gramps here is a hundred and thirteen, going on fourteen. Aren't you Gramps?"

"Evil demon, the power of Christ COMPELS you!" Madara hit Naruto on the head.

"Has he been smoking the fountain of Youth or something?" the blond asked irritably.

The younger Uchiha shook his head. "Naw, he just takes _freakishly_ great care of his body. Seriously, the family's been trying to find out his secrets for DECADES, but he only told _one_ person in the family his secret to eternal physical youth before he got Alzheimer's."

Naruto was amazed. "Who was it?"

Obito leaned in. "My little cousin… _Sasuke_. Sasuke never told anyone else, keeping the secret with his LIFE."

The blond almost fell over. "For REAL?"

"For REAL. Do you know him or something?"

"Oh yes, he's my BEST FRIEND." Naruto thought about it. "FOREVER."

"Oh awesome then."

Naruto rubbed his hands together, evilly. "Awesome then _indeed_, the secret to eternal youth will be MINE!" he cackled, putting his hands on his hips. Madara started laughing too, and Obito followed his lead.

"W-what're we laughing at?" Obito asked, wiping a tear from his eye.

Madara shrugged. "I dunno, I just followed whatever _he_ was doing."

Naruto stopped laughing abruptly. "Dude, I just remembered." He scratched behind his head bashfully. "Do you know where the flour and batter for restaurants might be?"

"Sure, follow me," Madara said.

The teenager stared at him in fear. "Are you going to try to exorcise me again if I do?" he asked cautiously.

Obito patted Naruto on the back, joyously. "Of course not! He hasn't tried to exorcise someone in YEARS!"

----------------------------------------

"BEGONE DEMON!"

"Ow! Holy shit man, you put that frying pan _down_!"

----------------------------------------

Naruto climbed into his older brother's car about three hours later, sporting a black eye, several bandages, a blood lip, and a limp. He dumped the several large bags of batter in the backseat.

Kyuubi revved up the car. "What attacked you?" he asked nonchalantly.

"A hundred and thirteen year old man."

The brakes to the car screeched at Kyuubi's unexpected stop in the middle of the parking lot.

"_BWAH HAHAHAHAHA!_" Kyuubi laughed, tears leaking from his eyes. He leaned his head against the steering wheel. "_HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_"

"It isn't funny!"

"_HAHAHAHAHAHA_!"

"Stop laughing, you ass! I'm totally injured over here!"

"_HWAH HAHAHAHAHA!_"

"He was _dangerous_!"

"_HAAAAA_ _HEHEHEHEHEHEHE_!"

"Screw you, man!"

"_HAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE!_"

Kyuubi had fallen over in laughter, convulsing on Naruto's lap.

"I hate you Kyuubi."

"_HAHAHAHAHAHA _I love you too."

**END NERVE**

* * *

LOLOLOLOL I LOVE MADARA.

Alzheimer's is horrible. My grandma got it, and she kept saying that she hated me and how she wished I was never born. That was my last impression of her before she died. I never really got over it.

BUT MADARA MAKES IT _FUN_ :DDDDD

The songs belong to me, as I just pulled them out my ass because I like to be original. Don't go looking for downloads, because they DON'T EXIST.


	19. Nerve Seventeen: The Freaked

**Low-Wage Worth**

Dear god, it's been a year since I started LLW!

Where the fuck does time go when you're having fun? I don't appreciate that, I don't appreciate that at all.

Oh man, I'm totally psyched for the next chapter though. SAKURA! INO! THAT OTHER GIRL… uh, um, damn, whatsername… oh, right, TENTEN!

WOOO!

_Nerve Seventeen – The Freaked_

* * *

"Okay, it's been decided that we need a new propaganda for KFC." Sasuke announced at the meeting with all the employees before the KFC opened.

Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow. "What's wrong with our current one?" he asked, referencing towards the creepy black haired man with slicked back hair and a con-artist moustache that always smiled with every bucket of chicken.

The manager coughed nervously. "Uh, my dad said that he's getting kind of freaked out by his high school photo on every KFC label he sees. He also doesn't think that our slogan is too great either," he replied, looking away in embarrassment.

Naruto snorted, his face still covered in bandages. "I could've told you that," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Seriously, 'Best chicken around; you'll want to suck our cock to the bone'? Come _on_."

The dark-haired teenager sniffed and flipped his hair. "Look, I _know_ my dad didn't make the best choice, but it was back in the 60s' when he took over. Do you know what it _used_ to be, back in the 20s' when my great granddad was in charge?"

Everyone shook their heads.

Sasuke shuddered.

"'Bite our meat and lick our bones, that's the Konoha Fried Chicken way!'" he recited. Then he thought about it. "Trademark." He added as an afterthought.

The room's occupants shook their heads in shame, Neji even going as far as to make a cross on his chest.

"So, it's been decided that we need a new image and slogan. No penis-related jokes, period." A few made disappointed sounds. "Now, it's time for some suggestions. Shino?"

The hooded teenager nodded. "We should display bugs on the label," he said.

"Dude, no ones going to buy chicken with bugs on the label." Kiba replied incredulously.

"And? You act like putting a dog on it is so much better." Kiba blushed and muttered under his breath grumpily.

Chouji raised his hand. "How about we put someone's face on it?" he suggested.

Neji rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, like NOBODY's face is on every bucket of fucking chicken someone buys. Shut up, fatass."

"Neji, that was totally unneeded," Sasuke reprimanded. "He doesn't need another reminder. Chouji, you may be going somewhere with your idea, because there's no way you could honestly be so utterly idiotic that you think that there is no one's face already on the labels."

The chubby employees looked down sadly, causing Shikamaru to glare lazily.

"Now _that_ was uncalled for, but I'll ignore it until you leave. Next dark alley you see will not be your friend," he stated in a bored tone. "And yeah, Chouji _was_ going somewhere with his idea, you ass. You should've just tried to listen, instead of making fun of him for being able to pick up more chicks than you and Neji combined."

Naruto barked a laugh. "That's only because all the girls think Sasuke's gay and they think Neji's a woman. Even _I_ can pick up more chicks than those two."

"No, you're colorblind, and girls don't like guys brighter than they are. Do they, Hinata?"

"W-well, I k-k-kinda l-like N-N-Naruto's f-fashion-sense. I-its or-r-riginal."

"Thank you Hinata, and fuck you Shikamaru."

"A-a-a-anytime."

"Right, whatever," Shikamaru continued, putting an end to anymore obscene conversations that might come up. "ANYWAY, Chouji's totally awesome idea was to have someone's face on the label that _isn't_ an Uchiha."

Everyone, especially Sasuke, gasped.

"Not an Uchiha?!" he demanded. "But, us Uchihas created the Konoha Fried Chicken franchise in the first place! Ever since my great-granddad worked his _ass_ off to create a place where EVERYONE can eat chicken and be happy at the same time back in 1923, the Uchiha family has actively been working hard on increasing his creation and learning his secrets of eternal youth!"

Naruto scowled. "I remember that part," he remarked sardonically.

Sasuke continued. "And you want to put someone's face on the label that is NOT a goddamn Uchiha?!"

The dark-haired manager's face was red. With rage? With _fury_? Or even with _anger_?

He deflated. "Now that's a pretty damn good idea. I'm not putting _my_ face on it, that's for sure. So, we need a volunteer for getting faced on a bucket of chicken."

"Suigetsu? I'd buy his face." Kiba suggested.

"Yes, _you might_, but would anyone else? Besides, he needs a moustache or a nice smile, and he's got neither, not with _those_ choppers."

Neji tapped his chin in thought. "We need someone who is generally well-liked, is associated with the KFC, and is actually good-looking…" he said aloud, trailing off.

Everyone turned to look at Naruto, who was filing his nails idly.

He looked up. "What?" he asked suspiciously.

"I think he'd be GREAT!" Sasuke said a little _too_ enthusiastically.

The blond scrunched his eyebrows. "Uh, great for _what_?" he asked suspiciously. "If the dick of a manager is smiling so brightly, it must be bad."

"No, no, it isn't bad," Neji reassured with a wide grin. "We just need your face for a few decades until the next KFC legacy."

"Ah," Naruto answered, returning to filing his nails. "Nope, sorry. I hate this place."

"_Please_? With a face like yours, people would _love_ to buy our chicken!"

"And? I care again…_why_?" the younger teen replied looking up with a bored expression. "I'm not going to let you put my fucking face on a bucket of chicken. I don't want to be that guy who people recognize because his face is on their dinner, and when I go to school, it'll be all 'Hey! It's that guy on the bucket of chicken! Hi Guy-On-Chicken-Bucket! I love you so much that I ATE you last night!' and I'm going to be all 'I'm not that fucking chicken bucket guy!' and you know why? Because I'm _not_. End of discussion."

"Well pay you." Sasuke said.

"And how much are we talking here?" Naruto asked, interested.

"Would a down payment of a few thousand _plus_ a raise of twenty dollars per hour for this month satisfy you?"

The blond smiled so hard that he almost fell off the counter. He shook his head, and tried to look serious. "Well, _yes_ that is more than enough to satisfy _me_, but what about my friends who also helped organize this?" he asked honestly.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Fucking martyrs," he muttered. "Fine, I'll give them a raise of ten dollars per hour."

And everyone cheered in happiness, even Shino.

"Now all we need is a new slogan." Neji mused aloud. He sighed deeply, causing Sasuke to look at him.

"Why the heavy sigh?" he asked. Naruto slapped a hand on his mouth, albeit a little too late.

"_Are you CRAZY_?!" he hissed. "You could've _summoned_ him!" He let his manager go with a paranoid look.

"Summon who? All I did was say 'Why the heavy sigh'."

"No! Don't say it again!"

Sasuke smirked. "Why the heavy _sigh_!"

"Oh shit."

The doors opened and a familiar customer sauntered in, donning his normal outfit of cargo shorts with combat boots and a long sleeved belly-shirt.

Neji waved. "Hey Sai."

Sai smiled. "Hello Manwhore, how is your day?"

"Oh it's fine, and yours?"

"It's _great_ now that I've seen my Fox's sexy face. Hey Foxy!"

"Hey Fag!" Naruto greeted back, glaring at Sasuke, who held his hands up in defense.

"I didn't know he was that creepy," he said.

Sai looked up. "Is there any reason why I'm supposed to be here?" he asked with a light smile.

"Well, we were just discussing the new propaganda for KFC, deciding we need a new label and a new slogan." Neji explained. "We've already decided that Naruto will be on the new label and now we need a new slogan with no penis insinuations at all."

Naruto looked at the long-haired teen in horror. "Why are you telling him all this?" he demanded. "He's the enemy!"

"Yeah right, you're so gay for him. But as an outsider, he might have a good opinion towards what the customer would want to hear."

Naruto, ignoring the gay comment barely, nodded. "That actually made a lot of sense," he said. "But you are aware that this is _Sai_ right?"

The choppy-haired brunet rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he's aware towards who I am," he replied. "And I am perfectly capable of making a fabulous new slogan for your chicken." He turned to Neji. "No penis insinuations, right?"

Neji shook his head. "Nope, none. We've gone eighty years with them, so we need something new."

"Ah. Well, uh, that just cut down 88 percent of my ideas. But I might have a few that could work."

Sasuke shrugged. "As long as they aren't penis related, let's hear them."

"Alright, how about 'KFC—where all the cocks come to rest… in your mouth!'"

Kiba snickered. "He said cock."

"I am aware. Sorry man, not going to work. Got anymore?"

"Sure. Let's see… 'Crispy, crunchy chicken always at KFC, where you can lick the cock where you stick it.'"

"Dear Lord," Naruto muttered, hitting his forehead in exasperation.

"Yeah, _no_. Another."

"Okay, last one I've got. 'Konoha Fried Chicken, where our meat is always hard, our bones are always straight, and our…_chicken_ is always delicious.'"

All was silent for a moment.

And Shikamaru shrugged. "I think it's awesome," he said.

Kiba nodded. "Yeah, not a penis insinuation in sight."

"I say we go with it." Chouji stated.

Naruto was freaked out. "No penis insinuations?! Are you guys deaf?!" he demanded.

Sasuke thought it over and leaned on the counter. "Okay, all in favor of Sai's slogan, raise your hands."

Everyone raised their hands except for Naruto, who stared at everyone in horror.

The manager nodded his head. "Alright then, we've got it. I'll send the information to my dad later, and we'll see what happens." He looked over at Sai. "Hey, you're a supposedly good artist, right? Want a job?"

Sai cocked an eyebrow. "Uh, I'd have to say it varies. After all, you're a bitch, and I've got a bit of an allergy to your kind," he replied.

Sasuke let out a shuddering sigh. "It includes Naruto."

"Okay, I'm in."

And Naruto groaned in horror.

**END NERVE**

* * *

It is an urban myth that if you sit in the middle of a KFC during the dawn, and incite Sai's name three times in the time span of two minutes, you can summon him.

I tried.

It TOTALLY worked too.

There was this guy, right? He walked into the McDonald's I was at _immediately_ after I went "Sai, Sai, Sai" and he looked at me and went, "Are you okay?" and I was all "Oh, I'm just fine. By the way, is your name Sai?" "Oh no, I'm Jack." "Hmm, close enough."

Yeah, penis jokes are the bomb-diggity, for real.

And if you can't guess who created the Konoha Fried Chicken, you lose 5 respect. Seriously, it's like, painfully obvious. Literally.


	20. Nerve Eighteen: The Striker

OH YA, IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.

WHAT TIME?!

Hell if I know, Daylight Savings fucked me over.

* * *

_Nerve Eighteen – The Striker_

If there was one thing Kyuubi loved more than destroying stuff, it was horoscopes.

There was just something…_exciting_ about getting a bunch of probable bullshit that somehow applies to only you despite everyone else who might be reading the same exact thing.

"Hey, brat!" he called out to his dreary younger brother that wandered about the kitchen, toiling for food to eat. "Wanna hear your horoscope?!"

"No." Naruto replied. "Shut up."

Kyuubi grinned. "It says, 'beware of the 'L' word'!" he read aloud. "I think you're gonna have a fun encounter with a _Lesbian Freak Fest_! All right!"

"I think it meant 'love', asshole."

"There's no such thing as _love_, silly boy. It clearly means lesbian, which you should look out for regardless because they despise the penis."

The blond teen frowned. "That isn't true," he said. "They would have things like dildos and strap-ons if they hated penises so much."

"That is the smartest thing you've ever said. Ever."

"Oh for god's sake, shut the hell up and leave me to my Frozen Flakes. They're grrrreat."

"Meh, I'm more into the Cap'n Crotch scene. Oooh, my horoscope looks pretty awesome! 'Today, you will most definitely get laid', well that's pretty fuckin' awesome!"

Naruto snatched the paper, indignant. He scanned over the page, eyes narrowing until they were just a simple squint.

"It says 'paid', not 'laid'," he corrected.

"I'm pretty sure it says laid."

The teen threw the paper back at his brother. "Get your eyes checked, bro. It says paid, which is much better than getting laid."

Kyuubi snorted. "And how would you know?" he taunted. "Mr. _Viiiiiirgiiiiiin_."

"SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP."

"Heh, I'm so right. This is expected because, hell, I'm _Kyuubi_."

"No, you're a manwhore!"

"Which is better then being a virgin. At least _I_ get some."

"Yeah, get some STDs! Like, AIDS, HIV, BLT and all that shit."

"So? If I get AIDS, at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I got laid before I got it, while if you get AIDS, on the other hand, you're probably on drugs, but still not getting laid."

"WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP?"

"Umm hmm, _so right_!"

"I HATE YOU!"

Kyuubi chuckled at the quickly disappearing sound of footsteps, straightening out his paper and looking back at his horoscope.

"Huh. It really did say paid."

--**SCENE BREAK!**--

When Naruto arrived at work that day, the first thing he immediately noticed was the angry mob outside the KFC. Wondering what the hell was going on, he walked up to the yelling people, tapping one blond girl on the shoulder.

"What's going on here?" he asked loudly. The woman he was asking pointed at the KFC.

"We're the National Feminist Society, an association dedicated to helping women from mistreatment in the workplace, home, whatever," she explained. "We don't appreciate the names of chicken pieces, like _breasts_, _thighs_, and _drumsticks_. And we also received news that there was a female employee that wasn't being treated fairly just because she has a vagina."

"Where the hell did you hear this crap?" Naruto demanded.

The blonde scoffed. "The _Internet_, duh. It was on some guy's PedoSpace…_PeinRoxYurSox_, yeah, that was it."

'_DAMN YOU, PEIN!_' Naruto thought, smiling on the outside. "Well, I can assure you that this…Pein is a dirty, dirty liar and every employee is treated fairly at this KFC." So he was lying out his ass, but who cares?

The blonde narrowed her blue eyes. "And how do you know all this?" she asked suspiciously.

"I work here?"

Wrong answer.

"HEY GIRLS!" the woman screamed at the mob. "I'VE GOT AN EMPLOYEE RIGHT HERE! HE'S PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!!"

Every single head turned towards Naruto, and the poor teen laughed nervously.

"Uh…girl power?" he said weakly.

"Get him!" someone in the crowd shouted, making them inch forward.

Naruto raised his arms in a stereotypical Kung-fu pose. "Hey!" he yelled. "No touchy! I know karate!"

"Oh yeah?" another person in the mob retorted. "We know KICK YOUR ASS! Let's KICK HIS ASS!"

"KICK HIS ASS!" the mob chorused, holding up their purses and bags in a threatening manner, much like they were burning torches.

"Oh _shit_," Naruto whimpered as he started swinging his arms around wildly, making exaggerated stereotypical Kung-fu sounds. "HEE-YA! WAAAOOOOW!"

"Hey! He's swinging his arms around! That must mean 'I'm going to force sexual intercourse on you' in man talk! Not all women are easy, you bastard!" the blonde girl from before shouted.

"NOT ALL WOMEN ARE EASY!" the mob yelled, advancing on the poor boy even faster.

A pink-haired girl came to the front of the crowd, holding up a hand at the crowd.

"Hold up, girls," she announced. "We're going about this the completely wrong way! He's not trying to aggravate us; he's only trying to protect himself because it's twenty-nine women versus one boy."

Naruto fell to his knees in happiness, his eyes watering up. "Thank you," he whispered at the pink-haired girl. "You just saved my life!"

The girl ignored him. "And we all know how men become complete pussies when faced with things like commitment or aggravated mob activity…" she continued, making the crowd murmur in agreement. "So, I say we CASTRATE him to teach all the other men a lesson!"

"What the FUCK." Naruto demanded weakly, thumping his head on the ground repeatedly. The mob roared in consent, raising their purses and bags once more.

"CASTRATE THE BOY!" the pink-haired girl yelled, pointing at the teenager on the ground with a slightly bleeding head.

"CASTRATE THE BOY!" the mob, once again, chorused. The blond teenager groaned and plopped on the concrete ground, ready for his impending doom. The footsteps got closer and closer until they were only inches away from removing his manhood.

"Hey harpies, what're you all screeching about?" a deceptively cheerful voice called, making Naruto's hopes rise.

The pink-haired girl gasped. "Oh my god, it's a gay guy!" she exclaimed. The mob backed away in slight shock, allowing the apparent 'gay guy' to step up.

"Hey sexy," Sai greeted, nudging the boy with his metal toe of his combat boot. "What're you doing down there?"

'_I have never, ever, EVER been so happy to see you. Ever.'_ Naruto thought with a lingering smile. "They want to take my penis, Sai!" he cried.

The choppy-haired brunet straightened, cocking an eyebrow at the surrounding mob.

"Did my foxy just tell me what I _think_ he told me?" he asked aloud.

The pink-haired girl coughed nervously. "Uh, it varies on what he told you," she replied slowly.

"You want his penis."

"Not exactly. We want to remove his penis and impale it on a stick so we can put it somewhere where a lot of men pass by, and then they'll get the warning that we're trying to send."

"You still want to touch his penis."

"…Well, I guess. I mean, we aren't going to do anything _with_ him…just remove his dick."

Naruto groaned throughout the entire conversation, tears prickling at the edges of his blue eyes. "Can you save me already? Christ!"

"Hold on, sexy," Sai shushed. He turned back to the initial mob. "Bitch _please_. Seriously, you, you, and you guys are a group of crazy bitches that are either lesbians or lesbians. Take your pick. Now, sexy, please remove yourself from the concrete and let us go inside so you can start working and I can harass you."

Said employee slowly got off the ground, looking around at the shocked faces of all the women that surrounded them.

Sai grabbed his arm. "When I say 'go', _run_," he whispered. "Or else you _will_ die."

"Hey!" some random woman yelled. "He just made an implication that we might be homosexual! LET'S GET THEM!"

"LET'S GET THEM!" the mob shouted.

"Go!" Sai shouted, and they ran to the glass doors, prying them open and slamming them closed.

Sasuke nodded. "I saw the mob. What are they mobbing for again?"

Sai snorted. "Just a bunch of man-hating gay-fearing lesbians. Don't worry; you're safe from their grasp."

"I'd hope so, because I don't think Naruto can keep those doors closed much longer."

The brunet looked behind him to see the blond leaning all his weight against the door, trying to keep the angry women outside.

"Well damn."

And the door burst open, making the two dark-haired teens rush to the door and slam it closed once more.

But three girls got in before Sasuke got the wise idea to lock the doors, chain them together, and flip the **OPEN** sign to the **CLOSED** side.

"Ha!" the pink-haired girl crowed triumphantly. "The uterus STILL wins!"

"Why won't you shut up about your female reproductive organs?!" Naruto cried angrily.

A brown-haired girl kicked him. "Shut up, virgin sacrifice."

That, by itself, made the boy fall over in a depressed slump. Sasuke yawned, checking his watch.

"Do you ladies _truly_ have a reason for being here other than to harass my employees?" he asked in annoyance. "Because, as you've seen, we've already got one of those."

Sai laughed. "I hate chicken," he said.

The pink-haired girl straightened out her unwrinkled red tank top and shorts, sneering. "My name is Sakura Haruno, president of the National Feminist Society, Fire Branch. These are the vice presidents, Ino Yamanaka and Ten-Ten, respectively."

Ino waved at Shikamaru, who was watching at the counter. "Hey baby!" she exclaimed.

"Goddammit," he cursed, thumping his head on the cash register.

"Apparently, you think we're doing something inappropriate to Hinata." Sasuke said. "Hold on, Naruto, get the store camera. I want to see the looks on their faces when they realize how wrong they are. All women hate being wrong."

"So do men!" Ten-Ten hissed, crossing her quite muscled arms.

The blond boy was freaked out. '_I really do hate it when Kyuubi's right._' He thought unhappily. He went to the back to retrieve the camera, bringing Hinata back with him.

"This, ladies," he announced in a serious voice. He whipped around, gesturing at the blushing girl. "is Hinata Hyuuga. She is the blooming flower of this KFC, an untouched rose surrounded by fried chicken. She is the fire in our fryers, the ice in our soda dispensers… without her, we'd still be KFC, but the chicken wouldn't be nearly as good because all we'd have would be a bunch of testosterone filled men cooking the meat, and that would be a catastrophe."

He turned towards the three women again, whipping his hair about as though he were a supermodel. Deepening his voice, he continued. "You women are beautiful, without any doubt. I respect you, your breasts, thighs, drumsticks, all that jazz, but Hinata will always be special. She takes the time and energy out of her life to help control an entourage of men, some homosexual, as you may see, the others not. So, ladies, when you decide that you want to mess with the KFC, then you mess with Hinata. And when you mess with Hinata, then you mess with _everyone_ who works here."

All was silent for a few seconds.

"Hey Sasuke, I need you to look over these sale statistics for a –" Neji said as he walked into the front, and he got a look at the women who stood there, most specifically Ten-Ten. He turned right back around. "I hate lesbians."

"Oh yeah?!" the brunette girl screeched. "You look like one yourself sweetheart!"

The assistant manager stomped right back, glaring angrily. "I'm not a woman!" he snapped.

"I look manlier than you!" Ten-Ten retorted.

"You look manlier than _everyone_!"

Sakura cut them off mid-argument. She glared at the mostly male congregation. "Look, that was a really good poem/explanation/whatever, but one of your kind just revoked the wrath of the vagina."

"That just killed everything I've ever worked for." Naruto said sullenly, making a disgusted face.

"And when you revoke the wrath of the woman, then you bring upon the wrath of—" Ino raged.

"Satan?" Sai supplied helpfully.

"Shut up, fag. You bring upon the wrath of PMS!"

"Close enough." The brunet replied, shrugging.

Ten-Ten stopped glaring at Neji to continue her part. "So, we will make your lives at this KFC at living HELL!" she shouted.

"Too late." Naruto grumbled.

"That's why we're going to go on strike!"

"What the hell?" Everyone chorused, even Hinata looked a little confused.

The ladies walked to the locked door, which Sasuke happily unlocked for them, but left the chains on. Sakura and Ino moved aside, letting the third member of their group handle the metal, very strong chains.

Ten-Ten crushed them like aluminum.

She pointed at Neji hatefully. "You all haven't seen the rest of us!" she proclaimed, and they walked out, the mob dispensing with them.

Shikamaru glared at Neji. "Thanks a lot, man."

"It isn't my fault she likes women."

Sasuke rubbed his temples. "What I don't understand is how they're going on strike."

"Neither do I." Sai replied.

"They don't even WORK here!"

Hinata spoke up. "T-thanks for s-sticking up for m-me, guys."

"Aww, you know we love you, Hina-bear!" Naruto cooed, ruffling her hair. The girl smiled brightly at him, rushing to the back to continue working.

The blond sighed. "Why can't all women be like her?" he moaned.

"I _really_ hate lesbians…" Neji muttered, walking away.

Sai sidled up to Naruto. "So…do you read horoscopes?"

"Shut. The Fuck. _Up_."

**END NERVE**

* * *

I need to start updating faster. Really, I do.

I've been watching Duck Tales for the past three hours, and I remember all the lyrics to the theme song! :DDDD

God I feel lame. And old.

PEDOSPACE IS THE MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION _EVER_. MySpace, in my opinion, is for pedophiles. I don't have one, never have, never will.

O YEAH Pein does rock your socks.


	21. Nerve Nineteen: The Incredulous

Well, I guess I got distracted with…yaoi.

I think I may have an addiction.

I dedicate this chapter wholeheartedly to bleepbloopbanana. She helped get this shit over way.

* * *

_Nerve Nineteen – The Incredulous_

They really did go on strike.

And the moment the National Feminist Society got up to the front of the store, toting their signs and guns and fairly lethal purses, half the neighborhood had no idea what to do.

Sasuke just went up to unlock the door, handling it as calmly as anyone else wouldn't when faced with an unholy death squad of women/lesbians. But, this is expected, because it's _Sasuke_.

"Hey!" Sakura shouted, insulted. "Aren't you going to yell at us for getting in the way of the menfolk?"

The dark-haired teen yawned. "Lady, I'm gay. I really don't care for lesbian affairs."

"Why do you guys keep calling us lesbians?!" Ino demanded annoyingly.

Sasuke shrugged. "You ladies give off the aura of 'I like to kiss all the girls'." He opened the KFC's doors, turning around in a bored manner. "Now, if you don't mind, I've got a business to run. If you're going to have a picnic, I'd suggest you do it somewhere else."

And he closed the doors.

The three main participants looked at each other, incredulous.

"Did he just brush us off?" Sakura asked, disbelieving.

Ino stared at the closed glass door. "I…I think he did."

Ten-Ten held up her gun confidently. "Let's fuck their shit up," she suggested.

"Isn't that a little too harsh?" the pink-haired girl asked calmly. "I mean, all they've done is exist with a penis."

"Then do we _need_ any other reason?"

Sakura thought about it for quite a while.

Then she lifted her own rifle.

"No, we don't."

"Then let's get _dangerous_."

A group of laughing voices interrupted their moment, and their male senses began sensing.

"—so I said, I really said, 'I love bananas', and he was all, 'Holy _shit_' and dropped his banana on the ground, running away!" Kiba exclaimed as he laughed about with Naruto, Shino, and Chouji, walking to work with a smile.

Naruto grinned. "What'd ya do?" he asked slyly. "Did you… just leave the banana there?"

"Leave it? I _ate_ that sucker!"

Shino shook his head. "Literally."

"Okay…that…was kinda gay." The blond looked up, catching sight of yesterday's troublemakers. "Oh no… it's those lesbians."

"I'm shooting him down," Ten-Ten hissed angrily, attaching the silencer to the barrel. "I'm going to riddle that blond jerk with bullets!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I'd like to see you try," he taunted.

She took aim and shot off the rifle, gritting her teeth. Naruto touched his left ear, feeling a thick liquid slid down his fingers slowly.

He was shocked.

"Did you just shoot my ear?" he asked incredulously, covering his ear to stop the flow. "You just shot my fucking EAR!" He fell to his knees hissing in pain.

"Yeah I shot your ear!" the brunette retorted. She put the rifle back in its case on her back. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"Oh, I don't know, how about I call the POLICE?" Naruto replied angrily, still holding his ear.

"And why would they believe a lying bastard like you?"

"Because my ear is bleeding and there is gunpowder in my hair, you bitch!"

Kiba covered the angry teenager's mouth quickly, looking at the surrounding women in horror. "Dude," he whispered. "You don't call a member in a women's feminist movement a _bitch_. You just signed your own death wish!"

"Oh yeah?" Naruto snarled. "Well, fuck the death wish! All of you women are _bitches_!"

Shino pushed his sunglasses higher on the bridge of his nose, looking up at the sky. "It looks like rain in the distance…" he said cryptically.

The others all looked at the sky, which was obscenely cheerful and sunny, and scoffed at that crazy bug guy's statement.

"_Kill him_." Sakura hissed, aiming her gun. Naruto immediately paled, stepping back a bit.

"Hi Miss Nice Lady," he squeaked. "You do realize that I love all women and would never say anything like that, right?"

"But we heard it straight from your mouth!" some random woman in the crowd shouted.

Naruto laughed nervously. "Well, then would you believe that I suffer a severe case of schizophrenia and do not remember what my other personality might say or do?" he asked cautiously.

Sakura loaded the gun.

"I'll take that as a no."

Tears were trickling down Kiba's face as he made a cross on his chest. "Have I ever told you I hate your big mouth?" he whispered to the blond.

"No…but you have a perfectly good reason to."

Ino cocked an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" she demanded. "We're only going to shoot up Blondie, not any of _you_ losers. Unless…you want to stick up for him and get shot too."

Naruto looked at his friends hopefully.

Kiba was the first one to the door. "I love you long time, Naruto!" he called. "But, not that much!"

"Tell me if there's a KFC in Hell!" Chouji said as well.

Shino stood next to Naruto for a moment.

"Are you going to stick up for me, Shino?" the blond asked sweetly.

The black-haired teen readjusted his glasses. "The rain should wash away the blood…" and he walked into the KFC as well.

Naruto scowled. "Well fuck all of you!" he yelled. "With a mop! On a chair! _Backwards_!"

He felt sweat begin to bead on his forehead as a few more women cocked their guns in his direction. "Where did you lesbians get gun licenses from in the _first_ place?!" he cried, stepping back once more.

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" Ten-Ten retorted, leaning her rifle on the ground.

"Well, at least you admit you're a lesbian." Naruto commented without really thinking.

Ten-Ten narrowed her eyes.

"Shoot him."

_I didn't want to resort to this!_ "Sai, sai, sai!" Naruto cried to the sky, cowering on the ground and covering his face first and foremost.

"Did you call?" a light voice asked in amusement, the slim teenager materializing out of virtually _nowhere_.

Naruto looked up at him, blinking in disbelief.

"Did you seriously come here just because I called you?" he asked in amazement.

Sai smiled. "Why wouldn't I?" he retorted, holding out a hand to him. The blond grabbed the hand, lifting himself off the ground in relief.

"Oh, so you've brought back your little fag friend, hmmmm?" Ten-Ten asked, pursing her lips in annoyance. "I suppose we can allow you just this much, as it _is_ twenty-nine women versus two boys."

"Oh sweetheart, how even said you had a choice?" the brunet replied sweetly, flashing his increasingly creepy smile.

Naruto looked around, frightened. "Dude, I wouldn't piss them off anymore if I were you… they look dangerous."

"Ah, well great thing you aren't me!"

And then he roundhouse kicked Ten-Ten in the jaw, sending her flying into the crowd of girls behind her.

"And God said, let the bitches fall as one, as many shalt follow in the end." Sai recited, cracking his leg ominously.

The KFC employee smiled. "Amen," he followed up.

"You can't do that!" the strong woman hissed, still on top of the pile of girls. "I'm a female! It's—"

"_But_—" Sai interrupted abruptly. "You could pass as a man quite easily."

"I'm going to murder you!"

Sai kicked up the forgotten rifle with his combat boots skillfully, smiling peacefully at Naruto. "I think you might want this," he stated, throwing the gun at the younger teen.

Naruto caught it awkwardly. "What am I going to fucking do with _this_?!" he cried, looking around in panic.

"Simple, anybody get's in your way, you shoot them."

"But, I can go to JAIL for that!"

Sai snorted. "It's like a female prison worth of women versus one boy. I totally think the judge wouldn't understand."

"Exactly!"

"Sarcasm, Foxy. Sarcasm."

"Are you two going to just stand there and argue, or are you going to fucking try and get by us?!" Ino demanded angrily, holding up her handguns.

"Go," the pale teen said, crossing his arms. "I do believe this will be beyond easy. I got into a fight with a lesbian when I was in eighth grade!"

"Did you win?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Hell no. They pack some _serious_ strength. BUT, I've always wanted a second chance, and this is it."

"Oh. Oh, well, uh, you have fun with this."

"Believe me, I will." Sai made a shocked face. "Oh my FREAKING Homosexual God, there's an extremely attractive woman over there!" He pointed overdramatically in some random direction, making the crowd look in said direction, including Naruto.

"I don't see any attractive women," he whined.

Sai pushed his face away so that he was facing the actual KFC. "There is no woman," he whispered calmly. "I like to call it a _distraction_. Now, run to the building! PLEASE!"

"Okay!" Naruto ran as quietly as possible, trying to _not_ catch the attention of the women.

He accidentally stepped on a girl's foot, making her yelp and catch the attention of all the others.

"Hey!" Sakura shouted. "He's getting away!"

Sai's smile twitched. "I'm beginning to think you may be as dumb as you are hot," he commented.

"Sorry!" Naruto apologized nervously, his eyes squinting as he grinned. "I'll, uh, I'll be going…_this_ way." And he ran inside the restaurant at an abnormal speed, catching everyone off guard.

"Foxy's just full of surprises, isn't he?" the artist mused aloud, tapping his chin with a smile.

The women turned to him. "Now all that's left is you!" Ten-Ten hissed.

Sai cocked an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Yeah really!"

"Oh _really_?"

"_Yeah_ really!"

"No fucking way," another voice hissed from behind Sai.

Neji was revealed to be stepping out of his car, fixing his uniform with a scowl.

"What is this?" he asked irritated. "_Whore Wars 2: The Lesbians Strike Back_? Get the fuck out of my face!"

"You are a beautiful man, Manwhore." Sai remarked, taking a step back. "Even _I _wouldn't say something like that. Well, I would say something like that, but not in a situation where everyone has guns and purses."

"Yes, I know." Neji put his car keys in his pocket. "I'd like to go to work now, so could you get out of my way? The Red Light District is a few blocks down, and you're on the wrong corner."

"Did I ever mention how they have guns?" the pale teen asked with a smile.

Ten-Ten held up two hand pistols, scowling. "Looks like my good friend the WoMAN returns. Well, I've got something for YOU!" She cocked the guns.

The long-haired assistant manager smirked, holding up his hands and assuming a fighting stance. "You want some, dude?" he taunted mockingly. "Then come get some!"

"Well, I'll be going." Sai said, and he walked inside the KFC as well.

Sasuke glanced at him. "We're not open yet," he said.

"I'm not here to buy anything," the other teen assured.

"When are you _ever_ here to buy anything?"

"Never, but that isn't the point. Where's Naruto?"

"He's in the back, getting his ear bandaged. I _tried_ to kiss it better, but he pointed a gun at me unabashedly. Where the hell did he get that thing from, anyway?"

Sai grinned. "I have no idea." He walked up to the counter and jumped over it, thoroughly flashing Sasuke with a full view of his midriff.

The dark-haired manager looked away with a blush. "Why don't you take the initiative and put some damn clothes on?" he muttered.

"But I _am_ wearing clothes."

"You can go to a beach and get sent right back out for being underdressed."

Sai huffed a laugh. "You're just jealous," he teased. He walked to the back, waving a hand at Sasuke.

"No I'm not—Hey! You can't go back there!" Sasuke scolded, moving away from his spot at the register.

Sai ignored him, passionately, and kept walking. In the back, next to the biscuit ovens, sat Naruto, nursing his poor ear that was bandaged but already stained red.

"Foxy?" the brunet asked carefully.

Naruto looked up at him, his eyes widening in shock.

"How did you escape them?" he demanded. "They have vaginas and guns and _purses_! It should've been damn near impossible!"

"Oh that's easy, I left Manwhore out there to fend for himself against the biggest bulldyke of them all."

Sasuke was horrified.

Then he smiled.

"I think Neji can handle it."

Several gunshots rang off outside.

"Yeah."

Naruto stood up shakily, letting go of his ear. He faced Sai with a bright smile, his hands behind his back.

"Y'know what, Sai?" he asked cheerfully. "You're really awesome. I mean it, I kinda admire you now."

Sai blinked. "Um, thanks?" he replied uncertainly.

And Naruto kissed him, hands on his shoulders.

Sasuke looked on in undefined horror, eyebrows flying up.

The pale brunet was shocked, for a moment at least.

And he placed his hands on Naruto's shoulders as well, pressing himself closer to the younger teen.

"This is some real bullshit," Sasuke commented, looking at his nails in a way of distracting himself.

Naruto brought his face away from Sai's, grinning happily.

"Am I a good kisser or what?" he asked playfully.

Sai smiled back, letting go of Naruto's shoulders. "And what was that for again?" he questioned, crossing his arms.

"Oh, I just wanted to say 'thanks for saving my life' in the most intimate way possible. I mean, you _did_ save me from a bunch of homicidal women." Naruto answered, scratching behind his head bashfully.

"Huh," Sai replied thoughtfully.

And then he threw his arms around Naruto's neck, kissing him passionately.

"More repayment then," he mumbled into the blond's mouth.

"So if I save his life, I can get something too?" Sasuke said aloud. "That's…somewhat not worth it, but I'll try anyway."

And Neji walked to the back, ignoring the two that were kissing fiercely, and went to the First Aid kit.

"D-did you win?" Sai asked, stopping the kiss for a moment.

Neji scoffed. "Of course, their guns were no match for my homosexual Kung-fu."

"So, why are you getting the First-Aid Kit?" Naruto asked a little breathlessly.

"Because I injured the girl, and my honor does not allow me to leave a female injured, lesbian or not."

"But your honor lets you beat up girls?"

"Yes. Yes it does. Especially lesbians."

Apparently, the logic made so much sense that Neji didn't even stay to reaffirm it. He walked away just as quickly as he came in, taking the kit with him.

The three stood there a little awkwardly.

Naruto fixed his wrinkled uniform nervously. "So, uh, want some chicken?" he asked shakily.

Sai smirked. "I think I'll take _your_ cock instead."

"I walked right into that one," the blond muttered, blushing.

Sai pulled a small notebook out of his pants pocket, and scribbled something on a sheet of paper from it. "Here's my real number." He handed the paper to Naruto, who took it with a smile.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Your kissing compensates."

Sasuke sighed. "I am so far behind in this race," he grumbled, walking back to the counter.

The other two looked at each other, and Naruto shrugged.

"I don't know what the hell he's talking about."

"But I do," Sai replied, smiling in the dark-haired teen's direction. He walked up to the manager, and tapped him on the shoulder.

Sasuke huffed. "If you're coming to brag, I'd kindly suggest for you to shut the fuck—"

Sai kissed him.

The two dark-haired teens stayed locked in that position for a moment, until Sasuke pulled away with a blush.

"Do you like to kiss _all_ the boys?" he asked, irked.

Sai shrugged. "Only the hot ones."

**END NERVE**

* * *

This story should be ending in about ten, nine more chapters. Chapter that'll focus on the homosexuality that abounds the three boys!

And if you're going to bitch at me because the SasuSai moment…can it. I told you all several times that this was a threesome fic, not SasuNaru and SaiNaru. It's _SasuNaruSai_. THREE PEOPLE WTF?!


End file.
